A country road. A Port-A-Potty.
It stands upstage. A single vine grows up its side.
Evening.
Nogo, leaning on the
Potty, is trying to loosen his belt, to no avail.
Enter Pipi.
NOGO (Giving up) No use.
PIPI
I am of the same mind. I thought to myself, but Pipi, you haven't
tried everything! You haven't tried crossing your legs! But there
is no point.
NOGO
You might try to help.
PIPI
To loosen your belt? I think not. I think it the responsibility...
the duty!... of every man to loosen his own belt.
NOGO
But the pain!
PIPI
Have you ever read the Bible?
NOGO
The Bible?
PIPI
The Bible.
NOGO
Uh... The Bible?
PIPI
The Bible!
NOGO
Don't start with me, I am certainly not the one who began repeating
myself. Get on with it.
PIPI
Ah, yes. Well. It... it occurs to me... No, no, that isn't it...
NOGO
Ahhh, the agony!
PIPI
That is, I wonder, why is it that none of the four make mention
of our Saviour going to the bathroom? They were all there to witness
it, were they not?
NOGO
It hurts!
PIPI
Hurts? I see that you don't ask me how I feel!
NOGO
Does it hurt?
PIPI
Hurts? It's agony!
NOGO
Just as well, you might close it.
(Refers to PIPI's fly)
PIPI
Just so. But I want to be prepared.
(Pause)
PIPI
Let's go in.
NOGO
We can't.
PIPI
And why not?
NOGO
We're waiting for Godot to come out.
PIPI
And he said he would be out today?
NOGO
Yes. I'm sure of it.
(Pause)
PIPI
I'm going.
(Pause. He does not move.)
NOGO
What, in your pants?
PIPI
Perhaps not. Perhaps I will go in that bush.
(Points offstage)
NOGO
That? That's a shrub.
PIPI
A bush!
NOGO
A shrub!
PIPI
It's a shrub?
NOGO
I'm certain of it.
PIPI
Well then. I can't very well pee in a shrub, can I? (Pause)
Can I? (Pause) So what do we do now?
NOGO
We wait for Godot to come out of the bathroom.
PIPI
The Irish call it a Loo. Looooo. Loo.
NOGO
So what?
PIPI
We could tie ourselves.
NOGO
Tie ourselves?
PIPI
We'd get an infection.
NOGO
An infection!
(Pause)
NOGO
Perhaps not.
PIPI
Listen!
(Pause)
NOGO
For what?
PIPI
Shhh!
(Pause)
PIPI
Is that him?
NOGO
Who?
PIPI
Godot.
NOGO
I heard nothing. He broke wind.
(PIPI listens)
PIPI
You're certain he said today.
NOGO
Of course! What is he, if not a man of his word?
PIPI
I wish he'd come out. I so need to pee.
NOGO
To whizz.
PIPI
To tinkle.
(Pause)
PIPI
Would you like a turnip?
NOGO
Roughage!
PIPI
A carrot?
NOGO
Are you mad? I have enough troubles already.
PIPI
Wait!
NOGO
Wait!
PIPI
Wait!
NOGO
You said that.
PIPI
Shh!
Enter PIZZO and LEAKY.
LEAKY enters first, carrying a heavy bag, a table, a stool, and
a bucket. He is leashed to PIZZO, who carries a whip.
PIZZO
Stop!
(LEAKY stops. PIZZO examines
NOGO and PIPI.)
PIZZO
Aha! I present myself: I am Pizzo. You would excuse my manners...
would you not?... I think you would... if I were to, that is,
not to, as it were, bow at such a time, given as I am, in such
a need... no that's not it... such a great need...
NOGO (quietly, over) Does this end?
PIZZO
...to relieve myself... I mean, to expunge, you see... in this
place, so please do... I hope you will...
PIPI (quietly, over) It ends soon, I think.
PIZZO
Excuse me, for just a moment... no more.
NOGO
Aha!
PIPI
You cannot.
PIZZO
No?
NOGO
We are waiting for Godot.
PIZZO
He is in my Port-A-Potty?
PIPI
I am certain he did not know it was yours.
PIZZO
Ah, it isn't. But it is. Just so. Has he been in there long?
NOGO
Days.
PIPI
Weeks.
NOGO
Months.
PIPI
Years.
NOGO
We expect him out any moment.
PIPI
In seconds, I'm sure.
PIZZO
Ah. You will excuse me... I hope... I think... I... Just one moment.
(PIZZO steps behind the
Port-A-Potty so that he is no longer in view.)
PIZZO
Bucket!
(LEAKY drops all except
the bucket, meets PIZZO behind the Port-A-Potty. Long pause, then
the distinct sound of pee landing in a metal bucket. The sound
causes PIPI and NOGO to writhe, clutching themselves and crossing
their legs. PIZZO emerges momentarily, as does LEAKY, with bucket.)
PIZZO
Glorious. Walk!
(LEAKY walks offstage
with bucket.)
PIZZO
Pour!
(The distinctive sound
of a bucketful of urine being poured onto the ground. This sound
causes PIPI and NOGO great agony as well.)
PIZZO
Back!
(LEAKY backs his way
onto the stage again, until he reaches his original position.
He puts the bucket down.)
PIZZO
Well then. Much better. So you are waiting for this... Goiter?
NOGO
Godot.
PIZZO
It would seem he has your future in his hands.
PIPI
He has something in his hand, certainly.
NOGO
I wonder, does he need the bucket?
PIPI
What are you thinking?
PIZZO
Stool!
(LEAKY carries over stool.)
NOGO
It's just that...
PIPI
You would pee in another man's bucket? Suppose he isn't done with
it yet?
PIZZO
What is it?
NOGO
I had wondered...
PIPI
Scandalous!
NOGO
If you in fact... that is.... still needed the bucket?
PIZZO
Ah! Well. I suppose I do not.
NOGO
Good!
PIPI
The shame!
PIZZO
Although...
NOGO
Yes?
PIZZO
The privilege should rightly go to the carrier.
NOGO
And does he have to...
PIZZO
Who?
NOGO
He, sir. Does he have to pee?
PIZZO
He does. But he pees wherever he wishes. On the ground, in the
woods, on me even. He hates me.
PIPI
If he has to pee why does he not do so?
PIZZO
You wish to know? Then I shall tell you. Please, sit.
(PIPI and NOGO sit in
front of him, motionless. PIZZO looks confused, staring at the
stool as if he perhaps is unsure how to use it.)
PIZZO
A little help, if you please.
NOGO
What help do you need?
PIZZO
Well I would very much like to sit.
PIPI
So? Go ahead.
PIZZO
But I can't just...
NOGO
Is it a trouble for you?
PIPI
Perhaps he is backed up.
NOGO
Would a turnip help?
PIPI
Or a carrot. Would you like a carrot?
NOGO
Or not. Where would he go, exactly?
PIPI
In the bucket?
NOGO
A horrible thought.
PIPI
Truly. I doubt he even has paper.
PIZZO
As I said, I would very much like to sit down and rest my feet!
Hint hint!
PIPI
Hint?
NOGO
Ah. I understand.
PIPI
Do you?
NOGO
Yes. He's an imbecile.
PIPI
Ah.
NOGO
Please sir, do sit down and rest your feet.
PIZZO
Are you quite sure?
NOGO
Positive.
PIZZO
Very well then. (Sits) There, done!
PIPI
What an ordeal.
PIZZO
Now, you had a question. One that you needed me to answer.
PIPI
Yes.
PIZZO
What was the question again?
PIPI
Why he does not pee if he needs to pee.
PIZZO
Of course! And I do have the answer, for while it is true that
he does pee wherever he wishes and whenever he wishes he does
not often choose to do so, and the reason very simple. He wishes
to impress me.
(Pause)
NOGO
That's it?
PIPI
Staggering.
PIZZO
Table!
(LEAKY sets up the table,
returns.)
PIZZO
Bag!
(LEAKY brings the bag,
returns. PIZZO opens the bag and removes a tape recorder and a
small toy dog with one hind leg raised.)
NOGO
What now?
PIZZO (Pulling out ledger and pen) Hsst!
(PIZZO turns on the tape
recorder, makes a note in the log and waits. PIZZO's own voice
comes from the tape.)
TAPE
...Turned thirty-nine today, and it's a wonderful day indeed.
I am hale and healthy and as regular as ever. I peed successfully
just a few moments ago and expect no troubles later this evening...
(Pause) The new light I installed in the bathroom works
wonderfully. It's very quiet this evening. I can't even hear Mrs.
McGoony sing those damned annoying songs from her "childhood".
Like that old bag was ever a child. She just sits in that damn
chair rocking to and fro. Time she stopped, I say. (Pause)
But then who am I to say, really? I just sit in this chair and
talk into the tape recorder about the things I intend to do but
never actually go about doing. What a moron. If wasn't for the
occasional joy of masturbation I'd off myself right now. I mean,
Jesus, just how depressing can you get? I may as well be buried
up to the neck in sand for all the thrills I get out of life.
(Pause) This is stupid. Memoirs of a guy who does nothing
for his entire life. What a story. (Pause) I discovered
a new mold on the underside of the toilet seat this afternoon.
A marvelous shade of green... (PIZZO shuts off tape, packs
it and the dog back up in the bag.)
PIPI
What was that?
NOGO
I don't know.
PIPI
It sounded wrong, didn't it?
NOGO
Perhaps it's from a different play.
PIZZO
Gentlemen! You have been so very kind. So very very kind. I must
repay you!
(NOGO annd PIPI stand)
NOGO
You could lend us your bucket.
PIZZO
We must think!
NOGO
Wait!
PIPI
Wait!
PIZZO
Wait!
(All three unzip their
flies simultaneously. Long pause.)
PIZZO
Ah!
NOGO
What?
PIPI
What?
PIZZO
I have it!
(All three zip up their
flies simultaneously.)
PIPI
What is it?
NOGO
Does it involve the bucket?
PIZZO
Would you like him to perform for you?
PIPI
I don't know. What does he do?
PIZZO
He thinks. Aloud. He used to do it for me all the time, but hardly
ever any more. He hates me.
NOGO
I can't imagine why.
PIPI
He do we get him going? He doesn't seem particularly talkative.
PIZZO
Yes... Let me think.
(Pause)
NOGO
Nothing happens! Nobody comes out, nobody goes, it's awful!
(PIPI and PIZZO glare
at him)
NOGO
Sorry. Don't mind me.
PIZZO
Aha!
PIPI
Yes?
PIZZO
Unzip him.
PIPI
Excuse me?
PIZZO
Unzip him.
PIPI
I don't think so.
NOGO
There are things one must do for oneself.
PIZZO
Try it.
(PIPI approaches LEAKY's
fly apprehensively. When his hand is just about to make contact
with the zipper, LEAKY slaps it away.)
PIPI
AAAOOOOWW!
NOGO
There, he agrees.
PIPI
He's broken my hand! I'll need this later!
PIZZO
I apologize. He appears somewhat testy.
PIPI
Why don't you tell him to do it himself?
PIZZO
Could I do that?
PIPI
Do you suppose it's beneath him?
NOGO
He did hold the bucket for you.
PIPI
Yes, his standards can't be that high.
PIZZO
Unzip!
(Pause. LEAKY dutifully
unzips.)
PIZZO
It worked!
PIPI
Why isn't he doing anything?
PIZZO
I have to tell him.
NOGO
Then why did he need to be unzipped?
PIZZO
Pardon?
NOGO
Why did he need to be unzipped if you could just tell him to think
and be done with it?
PIZZO
Is he your slave?
NOGO
No...
PIZZO
Very well then. Think!
(During the course of
LEAKY's monologue, NOGO and PIPI go from wincing, to grabbing
their ears, to grabbing their crotches, to crossing their legs,
to tackling LEAKY and zipping his fly back up.)
LEAKY
Given as it is a natural thing that every man must upon occasion
from time to time urinate, make water, let go with the yellow
flow, drain the radiator, go potty, shake the dew from the lily,
whizz whizz whizz, shoot the rapids, tip the bishop, visit the
john, choke the weasel, cu-cu-cut loose, send the batter to the
plate, write their name in the snow, go to the bathroom, unload
in the commode, check the oil, wee wee wee wee wee wee, shake
the snake, piss up the flagpole, make the bladder gladder, drool
in the pool, piddle piddle piddle, pop the cork, loose the juice,
re-lee-lee-lee-lieve themselves, let the gopher out of his hole,
shake hands with the one-eyed worm, pee pee pee pee, visit the
wizard, pump the stump, answer nay-nay-nature's call, release
the hound, reduce the swelling, say hello to my leetle frien',
reverse thrusters, check the groundhog's shadow, unroll the garden
hose, squirt squirt squirt, blow the tanks, fire the pistol, visit
the little boys' room, salute the flag, lighten the load, unplug
the tub, splatter the bladder, turn on the bilge pump, drain the
main vein, tinkle tinkle tinkle, siphon the trouser drowser, bend
the leaves, tap the keg, open the faucet, go nummmmmmmmber one,
water the weasel, launch a little lemonade, flushhhhhhhh flushhhhhhh
flushhhhhhh.....
PIZZO
his fly!
(Holding LEAKY down,
they manage to zip his fly. He stops.)
NOGO
Relief!
PIPI
That was awful.
NOGO
Horrific.
PIPI
Painful.
PIZZO
I must go.
NOGO
Again?
PIPI
Not a big surprise, really.
PIZZO
Leave, I mean.
NOGO
Ah!
PIZZO
So. Adieu.
PIPI
Adieu.
NOGO
Adieu.
(Pause. No-one moves.)
PIZZO
Adieu.
PIPI
Adieu.
NOGO
Oh shut up and go already.
PIPI
Yes, and thank you!
(Exit PIZZO and LEAKY.
Pause)
PIPI
I suppose we ought to do something else now.
NOGO
Must we?
(Pause)
NOGO
We could leave.
PIPI
We can't.
NOGO
Why not?
PIPI
We're waiting for Godot.
NOGO
I see no reason to stay. We have fulfilled our end of the agreement.
If your man Godot won't come out of the bathroom I say be done
with him and move on.
PIPI
Move on?
NOGO
There must be other commodes.
PIPI
Yes?
NOGO
I'm sure of it. I'm going.
(pause. He does not move.)
PIPI
I wonder.
NOGO
Yes?
PIPI
When Godot does come out... which of us do you suppose will go
next?
NOGO
I should very much like to.
PIPI
As would I!
NOGO
Perhaps we ought to go together.
PIPI
We'd scarcely fit.
NOGO
It would be tight.
PIPI
And you smell of garlic.
NOGO
Oh? I thought that was you.
PIPI
Definitely not.
NOGO
Well it doesn't matter. He's never coming out.
PIPI
No?
NOGO
I'd expect this port-a-potty to sprout leaves before I expected
to see that door open! Let's go.
PIPI
We can't.
NOGO
Why not?
PIPI
We're waiting for Godot.
NOGO
You're obsessed with Godot.
BOY (Offstage) Mister?
NOGO
What now?
BOY
Mister?
PIPI
Come closer, child.
NOGO
He'll have to wait in line, dammit.
BOY
I have a message, sir.
PIPI
Yes? And who is it from?
BOY
From Mr. Godot, sir.
NOGO
Excuse me?
BOY
Mr. Godot regrets to inform you that he will be unable to leave
the bathroom this evening, but he will surely be able to leave
tomorrow.
NOGO
Pardon me, child.
BOY
Yes sir.
NOGO
Do you know where Mr. Godot is?
BOY
Yes sir.
NOGO
How do you suppose it is possible for Mr. Godot to impart this
message to you when he is inside this port-a-potty?
BOY
Cell-phone, sir.
NOGO
Ah!
PIPI
Of course.
NOGO
I wonder, child, if I might speak with him.
BOY
No sir.
NOGO
No? No? Give me the phone, young man.
(BOY runs off.)
NOGO (Chasing him offstage) Come back!
(Pause)
PIPI
Well. That was totally out of character.
NOGO
Was it?
PIPI
Completely. I'm surprised at you.
NOGO
I only wished to speak with him.
PIPI
And you will. Tomorrow. I'm certain he will come out tomorrow.
NOGO
Do you suppose?
PIPI
He promised.
NOGO
There is always the possibility that he will not.
PIPI
I suppose that is true as well. And perhaps this is no more than
a complex existential allegory of the pain of life in general
exemplified by the simple metaphor of two clownish individuals
waiting an eternity for a non-existent individual to finish with
his chores in the bathroom.