SCENE: The interior of
a shack. There is one door and two windows on the back wall. The
cabin is sparsely furnished, with one marginally upholstered couch,
and a rocking chair dominating the center of the stage. To one
side is a wood stove with a small frying pan. Beside the wood
stove is a small mattress and a sleeping bag. Opposite the stove
is a table (no chairs) with several grocery bags on it, and two
or three laundry sacks on the floor underneath. Behind the table,
against the far wall, is a tall cabinet secured with a half-dozen
locks. A single bare light bulb hangs from the ceiling, the sole
evidence of electrical power. Overall, the interior of the cabin
is dirty and old-looking, but not so dirty as to suggest dereliction.
Seated on the couch are
ZANDER and LUCE. ZANDER is a tall man, with the thin, muscled
look of a habitual jogger. LUCE, his wife, is shorter, but otherwise
appears similarly athletic. Both are dressed in workout clothes
and hiking boots. Both are also bound by the hands (but not to
each other) with thin twine. Their feet are bound as well.
(Long pause.)
ZANDER
"Hey, let's check out that abandoned cabin, hon!"
LUCE
Shut up. He'll hear you.
ZANDER
He won't hear me. He went out back. I can hear him chopping wood.
LUCE
So? Maybe he has a- a microphone in here or something.
ZANDER (Looking around the cabin) You're kidding, right? Have
you looked at this place? He doesn't even have a bathroom, for
Chrissakes.
LUCE
What, no bathroom, no microphone? Is that your reasoning?
ZANDER
What I'm saying is I sense a rampant fear of anything modern.
No toilet, no TV, no computer... Maybe no electricity. You think
that bulb works?
LUCE
I don't care.
ZANDER
I'm just trying to talk.
LUCE
Well stop.
ZANDER
I know you're scared.
LUCE
Shut up. I'm terrified.
ZANDER
Hon, don't worry, he's not going to hurt us.
LUCE
No? How do you figure that? Are you drawing on your extensive
experience with armed lunatics? What are you going to say, you
have shotguns pushed into your face all the time? "Don't
worry, dear, they almost never fire." How hard would it be
for him to kill us both and bury us somewhere in the forest? It's
not like anybody knows where we are...
ZANDER
Oh, hon...
(He tries to hug her,
but discovers this is essentially impossible with his wrists bound
together. She shrugs him off.)
LUCE
Don't.
(Pause)
ZANDER
Well. This is a side I never saw of you.
LUCE
What, the gripped by mortal terror side? Surprisingly, I don't
find myself in this situation all that often.
ZANDER
It's not like I'm not afraid too.
(Pause)
LUCE
I know. I'm sorry.
ZANDER
Shh!
LUCE
What?
ZANDER
He stopped.
LUCE
We should have run, oh God we should have run.
ZANDER
Hopped is more like it. Hopped four miles to the nearest town
at sunset. Yeah, we would have made it.
LUCE
I just want to get out of here.
ZANDER
There's nowhere to go.
LUCE
Shh!
(The door opens to admit
ELVIS. ELVIS is dressed in old coveralls, a flannel shirt with
more than a few holes in it, and heavy work boots. He has an uneven
beard, indicating perhaps he trims it himself. Over one shoulder
he has slung a load of wood logs in a carrying strap. He holds
a shotgun in the other hand. He unceremoniously dumps the logs
beside the wood stove. The noise causes both ZANDER and LUCE to
jump. He then sits in the rocking chair. Pause.)
ELVIS
So.
(ELVIS stares. ZANDER
and LUCE look down at their hands. Pause.)
ELVIS
Let's skip the bullshit and just get straight to it. 'Kay?
(Pause)
ZANDER
O-okay. Sure.
ELVIS
All right. Why'n't you start off by tellin' me when th' others're
comin'. We'll go from there.
ZANDER
Others?
ELVIS
Come on now, we both know what I'm talkin' 'bout.
ZANDER
N-no, I don't. I don't know about any "others."
ELVIS
I think I said no bullshit. You heard me say that, right?
ZANDER
Yes, I just don't know anything about...
ELVIS
I got a gun here, you jackass!
ZANDER
Yes, I know I know you do, but I...
ELVIS
You want me to use it? Do ya? (ELVIS aims at ZANDER) I
will.
ZANDER
No, please.
LUCE
Oh god...
(ELVIS points shotgun
at LUCE)
ELVIS
How 'bout I shoot her, huh?
ZANDER
No, don't...
ELVIS
All right then, tell me what I want to know!
(Pause)
ZANDER
Please. We don't know who do you mean.
(Pause. ELVIS lowers
the gun, sits.)
ELVIS
You don't know who. The ones who sent'cha here ta recon my cabin,
you goddamned idjit.
ZANDER
We weren't sent here by anybody, we just... we didn't expect to
see a cabin up here, and so we... I mean, I'm sorry we trespassed,
but...
LUCE
We're just on our honeymoon.
ELVIS
Your what? Honeymoon? Up here? Who the fuck goes hiking on their
honeymoon? Yer supposed ta be on some island somewhere, gettin'
sunburned. Didn't anybody tell you that?
ZANDER
We, ah, wanted to do something different.
ELVIS
Well you sure got what you asked for, didn't ya?
ZANDER
Sure did.
(ELVIS cocks the gun.)
ELVIS
Now one last time.
(Pause. ELVIS points
gun at Zander.)
ELVIS
What's your name, sir?
ZANDER
Zander.
(ELVIS lowers gun.)
ELVIS
Zander?
ZANDER
Zander. It's short for Alexander.
ELVIS
Zander. You're shittin' me. What's her name, Zander?
ZANDER
Luce.
ELVIS
Luce. Short for Lucy? Lucinda, Lucille, Lucifer, what?
ZANDER
Her full name is Lucy.
ELVIS
Ah-huh. I'm curious now, I'm curious. Did you two decide to fuck
up two otherwise normal names before you met, or after?
ZANDER
Uhm, after. Before?
LUCE
Before.
ZANDER
Before.
ELVIS
I'm makin' y'all a little nervous, aren't I?
(Pause)
ELVIS
Aren't I?
ZANDER
I kind of figured that was the emotion you were going for here.
ELVIS
Well sure, of course I am. But I k'n see neither 'a you 're gonna
be tellin' me anything. I could torture you I suppose... lop off
a finger here, shoot off a foot there... but I just cleaned this
place, and... you ever tried to clean up a bloodstain? Missy?
LUCE
Um, no. No.
ELVIS
It is a bitch. The Lord filled us up with permanent ink, He did.
But that ain't my point. My point is, when I think about it...
(Points shotgun at ZANDER again) When I think about it...
Alex, does the barrel look straight to you?
ZANDER
Wh-what?
ELVIS
Pay attention. Does the barrel look straight to you?
ZANDER
Does from here.
ELVIS
Well look up close. (ELVIS moves the barrel up to ZANDER's
face.) What about now?
(Pause)
ELVIS
Now how you gonna look at it with your eyes closed? Now come on,
does it look straight?
ZANDER
Yes. Yes it does.
ELVIS
Dunno, it looks a bit off to me.
(ELVIS lowers shotgun)
ELVIS
I was sayin', I kin tell y'all're tellin' me all you know, what
with those names. Zander and Luce. Christ. Besides, what good'll
it do me to know when they's comin', anyhow? I know they's
comin'. An' I ain't goin' nowhere anyhow, an' at least this way
I got a couple'a hostages.
(Pause. ELVIS walks behind
ZANDER and LUCE)
ELVIS (Shouting at ZANDER's collar) You hear me? I ain't goin'
nowhere!
ZANDER
Ow! I hear you already!
ELVIS
Not you. (Shouting, at LUCE's collar) You hear me! Nowhere!
Best surround me now!
LUCE
Zander...!
ZANDER
WHAT are you doing??
ELVIS
No, huh? I know. I know.
(ELVIS walks slowly around
to the front of the couch, places the gun carefully on the ground,
and kneels in front of LUCE. He opens her legs and leans his face
forward toward her crotch.)
LUCE
Oh-oh-oh god...!
(She trembles but is
too scared to move. Pause.)
ELVIS (Very loud) DO YOU HEAR ME NOW? I AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE!
(ELVIS gets up again,
grabs the gun from the floor)
LUCE
Oh, Jesus.
ZANDER
What the hell are you doing?
ELVIS
I checked yer bags already. Figgered you two wuz wearin' the microphones
somewhere.
ZANDER
Microphones?
ELVIS
Don't feel bad there, Alex, you prob'ly don't even know you got
'em. Micro'lectronics an' all. They're hearin' every word you
say right now, they are.
ZANDER
You're crazy. (To LUCE) He's crazy.
LUCE
Please. We don't know what you're talking about. We really don't.
ELVIS
Well sure, of course you don't. But that don't mean they ain't
really listenin', neither. They hear'n see ever'thing you do,
don't you know that?
ZANDER
They who? Who is this they?
ELVIS
The gov'ment, Alex. Who d'you think?
LUCE
Pardon me... sir? You don't think that's a little, um, paranoid?
ELVIS
And don't you think you're bein' awful naive? You're livin' in
a police state, lady, and don't forget it. You'll see. You'll
see when they surround us. They know where you're at.
ZANDER
All right, okay. Say, for a second, that you're right, that they
know where we are, and they know what we're saying right now,
and that they have the kind of manpower necessary to observe every
single American every single day of their lives. What makes you
think they'd surround your cabin?
ELVIS
You go to college? Alex?
ZANDER
Ye-es.
ELVIS
How come you're so damn stupid?
ZANDER
I, ah, I... don't know?
ELVIS
Let's do a quick review of the room, all right? We got you, we
got the pretty lady, and we got me. Now if they already know all
they gotta know about you and the lady, who do you suppose they're
interested in? You follow?
LUCE
Why?
ELVIS
What's that? Speak up.
LUCE
Why would they be interested in you? Why would they care? Look
at... look at where you live... look at you, you're... why would
the government care about you at all?
ELVIS
Use yer head, honey. Come on, now, it ain't that hard. I'm a threat
to 'em. I won't let them do ta me what they already done to you,
y'see. Microphones in yer clothes, tracking devices in yer body...
LUCE
Tracking devices?
ELVIS
Sure thing. Right after birth. Goes in with the booster shots,
you know. Jest like taggin' an animal.
(Pause)
ELVIS
Don't believe me, do ya? C'mon, it's okay. We're havin' a conversation
here. Do ya believe me?
LUCE
Not really, no.
ELVIS
That's okay. You don't gotta. These things take time.
ZANDER
So, do I have this right? Not only is the government listening
to everyone in the country, but it's also inserting metal into
every single newborn?
ELVIS
That seem hard to believe, Alex?
ZANDER
Frankly, yes, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
LUCE
Zander, don't antagonize him.
ELVIS
No no, it's okay, I agree, that do seem far-fetched. We're jest
a couple'a folks having a little chat, now honey, it's okay. An'
I'd agree with you, Alex, if I didn't know 'bout the aliens.
ZANDER
Ah! Of course. How could I forget about the aliens?
(ELVIS walks over to
the table and, over the course of the next minute, removes a roll
of aluminum foil from one of the grocery bags, tears off a sheet,
and wraps it around his skull.)
ELVIS
Everyone know 'bout the Roswell crash by now. Bet even you heard'a
that. Guv'ment's been workin' with the aliens for more'n twenty
years now, an' that's somethin' most people don't know 'bout,
or ain't ready to believe. Of course human technology ain't
up to taggin' an' trackin' every single American. But alien technology?
Whattaya think they been doin' at Area 51 all these years? Biiig
secrets goin' on there, right?
ZANDER
It wouldn't be much of a top secret air base if it wasn't a secret,
would it? What on earth are you doing?
ELVIS
Just a little added protection. This keeps 'em outta my head.
ZANDER
Tin foil?
ELVIS
Yeah, you want some?
ZANDER
No, thank you.
ELVIS
Suit yourself.
(Pause)
LUCE
So what's your name?
ELVIS
Elvis.
ZANDER The Elvis?
ELVIS
Naw, he's dead, y'damn fool. But my momma was a big fan of the
King.
LUCE
It's a very nice name.
ELVIS
Why thank you, ma'am. And you should stick with Lucy. Damn sight
better'n "Luce."
LUCE
How long have you lived up here, Elvis?
ELVIS
All my life. I was born right where you're sittin', there. 'Course,
we cleaned up since.
LUCE
And school? Did you go to school around here?
ELVIS
Hell no. I'm self-taught.
ZANDER
No kidding.
ELVIS
'Cept for learnin' how to read, which my momma taught me. Sharp
woman, she was. I kin still remember her last words to me. "Elvis,"
she said, "whatever you do, don't let no jews or niggers
make a fool outta you."
ZANDER
Aw, that's sweet. Isn't that sweet, honey?
ELVIS
She'n paw are buried round back near the outhouse. Ain't a day
goes by I don't miss 'em.
(Pause)
LUCE
I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have...
ELVIS
No, no, it's okay. I'm just thinkin' I best... best set all the
traps before they get here. You two... sit tight. I'll be watchin'
the doors, so... well, you know what'll happen.
(ELVIS exits. Pause)
LUCE
Poor man, he looks so upset.
ZANDER
You're kidding, right?
LUCE
No, I'm serious.
ZANDER
Luce, he's nuts. He buried his parents near the toilet, for God's
sake.
LUCE
So?
ZANDER
So I think the first rule in burying a loved one should be trying
to keep them as far away from raw sewage as possible, don't you?
LUCE
You are so unsympathetic. And you should stop trying to pick a
fight with him, you know.
ZANDER
What difference will it make? Uncle Jethro's out there in a tin
foil beanie setting traps for a mythical government siege aided
and abetted by an invading alien force. You think he actually
needs an excuse to shoot us?
LUCE
If you show a little sympathy, maybe we'll get out of this alive.
Okay? That is our goal, right?
ZANDER
Yeah, but I'm not going to feed his paranoia.
LUCE
Well could you at least not make fun of him?
ZANDER
Well if I were you I wouldn't try to be too nice. He might
take it the wrong way.
LUCE
What does that mean?
ZANDER
It means, we don't know the last time nature boy's been with a
woman, if he ever has at all. I'm only assuming you don't want
to spend the rest of your life up here pushing out paranoid hillbilly
babies.
LUCE
You can be a crude bastard sometimes, can't you?
ZANDER
Hey, I'm not the one flirting with the Unabomer.
LUCE
Fuck you. I'm trying to get us out of here alive.
ZANDER
Maybe we'll luck out and those jack-booted government nazi-types
will show up soon and save us.
LUCE
Oh, boy.
ZANDER
What?
LUCE
I have to pee.
ZANDER
Great. You could ask him. Maybe even say hello to Mr. and Mrs.
Redneck on your way by.
LUCE
You are such a...
(ELVIS re-enters)
ELVIS
That oughtta do it. How we all doin'?
LUCE
Um... Actually...
ZANDER
Luce has to use your facilities, Mr. Elvis.
ELVIS
My what?
ZANDER
Your toilet.
ELVIS
Aw, well, that's jest too...
ZANDER
You want her to go right here? You'd never get the odor out of
the couch. Plus the air circulation in here is awful.
LUCE
I promise I'll come back. You can keep Zander.
ZANDER
Gee thanks, hon.
LUCE
I mean, as a bargaining chip. I wouldn't leave him.
ZANDER
I have the car keys.
LUCE
Really, it'll be all right.
ELVIS
Well... Okay. Okay, I'll let'cha go, but you better come right
back. The wood're full'a bear traps right now too, so I wouldn't
wander far if I was you.
(ELVIS pulls out a buck
knife and proceeds to cut LUCE loose.)
LUCE
Thank you so much.
ELVIS
You jest remember to come right on back now. An' if you see any
guv'ment-types... well, you just let me know, huh?
LUCE
I will. Promise.
(LUCE stops at the door)
LUCE
Is there any... paper?
ELVIS
'Course there is. You think I'm a savage or somethin'?
LUCE
Uh... no, of course not.
(LUCE exits. Long pause.
ELVIS stares, in what passes for contemplation, at ZANDER.)
ELVIS
Pretty lady.
ZANDER
Don't even think about it.
(ELVIS raises gun)
ELVIS
Come again?
ZANDER
I mean, that is I...
ELVIS (Lowers gun) I'm shittin' ya. Relax. I'm just sayin' is
all. It would be downright un-Christian to entertain such a thought.
ZANDER
Is tying us up and holding a gun on us in keeping with your idea
of what's Christian?
ELVIS
No, no I guess it ain't. But self-preservation is. Gotta protect
what's mine, y'understand.
ZANDER
And you don't think this is a bit extreme.
ELVIS
Extreme? You think this is extreme, you don't know. Most people
I know would'a shot you already. Would'a shot you an' been packed
and hidin' in the hills before you wuz even stiff.
ZANDER
What a fabulous image.
ELVIS
So don't you go on about me bein' extreme. I'm a goddamned moderate.
ZANDER
You're serious.
ELVIS
'Course.
ZANDER
You're a moderate militant paranoid extremist.
ELVIS
Hey!
ZANDER
Just talkin'.
ELVIS
Well lemme tell you, Alex, I ain't extreme. The world is. I'm
goddamned normal.
ZANDER
And that would make me?
ELVIS
Cattle.
ZANDER
I see.
ELVIS
Jest look around, you Alex. Look what they did to Kennedy.
ZANDER
Made him drive his car off a bridge?
ELVIS
John Kennedy, you wise-ass. They shot him. Ever'body knows that.
(LUCE re-enters)
LUCE
It's me, I'm back.
ZANDER
Honey, you're home!
(LUCE shoots ZANDER an
unkind look)
ZANDER
You're just in time for the history lesson on the Kennedy assassination.
LUCE
Zander, don't make fun of him. Do you want to tie me up again?
ELVIS
Naw, you're all right.
ZANDER
You're sure? I think she likes it.
(LUCE kicks ZANDER, hard.)
ZANDER
AAOoooww!
ELVIS
Don't mess with a woman in steel-toed hiking boots, Alex.
ZANDER
Such sage advice.
ELVIS (To LUCE) Well?
LUCE
Hmm?
ELVIS
Any sign?
LUCE
No, nothing.
ELVIS
Well, it's almost dark out.
(ELVIS crosses room and
flips on light switch. The bare bulb lights up. The stage lighting
should decrease gradually from this point until the bulb is the
only source of illumination by the end of the play.)
ELVIS
They'll be here soon.
(Pause. ELVIS checks
out the window.)
ZANDER
I wonder if you wouldn't mind giving me a bathroom break before
the shooting starts.
ELVIS
Yer kidding. What'd you two do, drink a keg before you got here?
ZANDER
No, but in hindsight it might have been a good idea.
(Pause as ELVIS measures
up ZANDER, deciding how much of a threat he represents.)
ELVIS
All right, all right.
(ELVIS cuts the twine
holding ZANDER's ankles, but not the wrists.)
ZANDER
And these?
ELVIS
I don't think you'll have much trouble.
ZANDER
Luce? Will you be...
LUCE
I'll be fine.
ZANDER
If you say so.
(ZANDER exits. Brief
pause.)
ELVIS
Ma'am, if you don't mind my sayin' so, that husband of yours is
a real jerk.
LUCE
He's not really. He's just under a lot of stress.
ELVIS
Yeh, heh heh.
(Pause)
LUCE
So have you... have you always lived alone up here? I mean, you
know, since...
ELVIS
Yeah, pretty much.
LUCE
No, uhm, you know, wife or...
ELVIS
What're you sayin', huh?
LUCE
I was just...
ELVIS
Naw, c'mon, what do you mean.
LUCE
Nothing.
ELVIS
You thinkin' I'm some sorta faggot, huh?
LUCE (Over) No, I..
ELVIS
Or maybe I jus', jus', jus' set up on this here mountain playin'
with myself all night long? That what you mean?
LUCE (Over) I didn't...
ELVIS
You think I gotta take that from you? Huh? From a woman? Some
filthy slut come up here ta make fun 'a me? I KNOW what you're
about you know, I read the Bible. You wuz PUT HERE to dangle th'
apple! To FUCK with man's head an' man's body and MAN'S WORLD!
You are TEMPTATION and I am stronger than you are!
LUCE
I-I really wasn't...
(Raises shotgun)
ELVIS
Shut it!
(Long pause)
LUCE
Why do you want to shoot me, Elvis?
(Pause. The barrel of
the gun trembles slightly. ZANDER re-enters. ELVIS turns and very
nearly shoots ZANDER.)
ZANDER
Whoa! Whoa!
LUCE
Elvis!
(ELVIS slowly lowers
the gun. ZANDER walks slowly to the couch and sits in the same
position as before. LUCE sits beside him.)
ZANDER (To LUCE) What did you do?
LUCE (To ZANDER) Nothing. Nothing.
ELVIS
Anything?
(Pause)
ELVIS
Hey. Alex. Anything?
ZANDER
No. No federal troops at all. Not a peep.
ELVIS
Uh-huh.
(Pause. ELVIS stares
out window)
ELVIS
That ain't good.
ZANDER
It's not?
ELVIS
'Course it ain't. They're trained to strike silent. Y'oughtta
know that.
ZANDER
Oookay.
ELVIS
Yee-ah, they're out there. Waitin'.
(Pause)
ZANDER
So how do you tell the difference?
ELVIS
What?
ZANDER
How do you tell when they're out there but silent? You know, as
opposed to there being nobody out there at all.
ELVIS
SHHH!
(Pause)
ELVIS
You hear that?
LUCE
What is it?
ELVIS
The helicopters. The black helicopters.
ZANDER
You hear the color black?
ELVIS
You're a goddamn fool. You ain't heard 'a the black helicopters?
That's how they watch us.
ZANDER
I thought the aliens did that for them.
ELVIS
The United Nations use 'em. Silent black helicopters. Don't you
read?
ZANDER
Apparently not the same things you read.
ELVIS
How 'bout the NWO?
ZANDER
Um..
ELVIS
New World Order. Jesus, where you been, Alex?
ZANDER
It's a little hard to keep up with who's out to get us this week.
ELVIS
Don't matter. They all in it together.
ZANDER
ALL of them? So, let's see, you're being stalked by government
thugs who are also United Nations puppets in cahoots with an invading
fleet of aliens. Did I forget anything? Maybe they're Satanists
too.
ELVIS
Don't git me goin' on the Satanists.
ZANDER
So are you saying you heard a silent helicopter?
ELVIS
Yeah, I heard it. Sounded like the wind. Pretty damn clever of
them, make it sound like that.
ZANDER
Um...
ELVIS
Yeah?
ZANDER
No, never mind.
ELVIS
Ahh! You hear that?
ZANDER
What?
LUCE
What did you hear?
ELVIS
A rustling. I heard some kinda rustling.
(ELVIS becomes progressively
agitated, going from window to window.)
ZANDER
Could've been that wind you heard.
ELVIS
They out there, I hear 'em!
LUCE
Elvis...
ELVIS
Nightfall, I told you! I told you they'd be here!
ZANDER
He's losing it.
ELVIS
Gotta think, gotta think.
LUCE
Just keep...
ELVIS
No! That's what they want, make me think there ain't nuthin' to
worry 'bout, that's what they want! Gotta think, gotta DO somethin'!
Somethin' I'm forgettin', gotta...
LUCE
You have the traps.
ELVIS
Yeah, yeah, I got the traps set up, an'...
ZANDER
The tin foil beanie.
ELVIS
Yeah, an' hostages, I got hostages. Got a gun...
ZANDER
What else could you ask for, really?
ELVIS
It ain't enough!
(Pause)
ELVIS
Hell, I should'a run. I should'a run far as I could 'fore it got
to this point, but I was raised here, damnit! This is MY property
an' I'll be damned if I'm gonna let them TAKE it from me! (Emotional)
Aw, shit. Shit, shit, shit. Do you REALIZE what you've done to
me?
ZANDER
This is our fault?
ELVIS
It's DARK out! They gonna be IN here any minute!
ZANDER
Why is this our fault?
ELVIS
This is ALL your fault! If you hadn't led them here...
ZANDER
Led WHO here?
ELVIS
Who d'you think is crawlin' all over the hillside right now?
ZANDER
Oh, for Chrissake.
LUCE
Zander, calm down.
ZANDER
No, I'm tired of this. I don't want to listen to this nutjob any
more. (To ELVIS) You want to know what's outside? Bugs
and small woodland creatures, you paranoid freak.
LUCE
Zander...
ELVIS
What'd you call me?
ZANDER
Luce, come on. We're leaving.
ELVIS
Bullshit now?
ZANDER
Yes, you lunatic, bullshit. It's BULLSHIT! Has it occurred to
you that this might be all in your head? That for whatever freakish
reason you've decided to make yourself into a frightened little
victim hiding out in your little corner of desolation counting
your rights on your toes and wondering if there are any missing
today?
ELVIS
Don't you test me, Alex.
ZANDER
What's it matter? You think you're brave, all by yourself up here,
jumping out of your skin as soon as you set sights on a stranger?
Try living in the real world some time! You're not brave, you're
pitiful.
ELVIS (Raised gun) I should KILL you, Alex, I...
ZANDER
What'll that prove? That you can shoot two unarmed strangers?
That you've got the balls to blow holes through two people at
point blank with a shotgun?
ELVIS
Yeah... Yeah, that's just what it WILL prove.
ZANDER
What?
ELVIS
You're a fuckin' genius, Alex.
ZANDER
I am?
ELVIS
If I shoot you, they know I mean business. Don't they? (Holds
barrel under ZANDER's chin) Don't they?
LUCE
Oh Christ.
ZANDER
No. No, that's not what it means. That's not what it means at
all, it's...
ELVIS
Come on.
(ELVIS pushes ZANDER
toward the door)
ZANDER
That's not it, no, you have it wrong, they'll think, they'll just
come at once if they know you can't be reasoned with they...
ELVIS
They gonna do that anyhow, maybe now they'll think about it, won't
they?
ZANDER
You have it wrong, I'm telling you!
LUCE
Elvis!
(ELVIS pauses right at
the door.)
ELVIS
You gonna get weepy on me?
LUCE
Would you like to see my breasts?
(Pause)
ELVIS
What?
ZANDER
Luce?
LUCE
I'd like to show them to you.
ELVIS
Stop it.
LUCE (Unbuttoning blouse) I really really want to. I know what
you want.
ELVIS
You stay AWAY!
LUCE
Aw, come on, please?
ELVIS
What's she doin' Alex, what's goin' on?
LUCE
I just want your soul, Elvis.
ZANDER
Soul?
ELVIS (Raises gun) You're a demon, you are!
LUCE
You want me, don't you Elvis.
ZANDER
She- she is, you know.
ELVIS
What? What're you sayin'?
ZANDER
She's a demon.
ELVIS
She ain't no demon, she's yer wife!
ZANDER
Yeah. Imagine how I felt. I found out much too late, but for you...
there might still be some time.
ELVIS
Make her stop that, Alex, or I'm gonna kill her.
ZANDER (Laughs) You can't.
LUCE (Removes her blouse) Elllllviiiiiis...
ELVIS
Whatta you MEAN I cain't?
ZANDER
C'mon, you can't shoot a demon, you must know that!
ELVIS
She ain't a real demon, she's just a woman! I can kill a woman!
LUCE
I NEED you, Elvis...
ZANDER
No, she's not. Look at her. Look. go on. You ever see a woman
behave like that?
ELVIS
N-no...
ZANDER
Of course you haven't. Go ahead, shoot her all you want, it won't
matter. She'll just haunt you forever that way. Plus, you'll blow
holes in your couch.
ELVIS
Haunt?
ZANDER
Absolutely. But hey, makes no difference to me. She's already
got MY immortal soul. I'm completely screwed. But I'll tell you
what. Go ahead and shoot her. It'd take her off my hands.
ELVIS
Must be another way, Alex.
LUCE (Starting to undo pants) Hurry...
ZANDER
I don't know...
(LUCE shoots ZANDER an
exceptionally unkind look.)
ELVIS
Get this demon outta my house, Alex!
ZANDER
You're sure?
ELVIS
She listens to you, right?
ZANDER
She might. Want me to try?
ELVIS
YES goddamnit!
ZANDER
All right, um... Honey? Why don't we leave the nice man's soul
alone, okay? We're going to GO now, so, you wanna put your clothes
back on?
ELVIS
Put them clothes back on!
ZANDER
It's time to go....
LUCE
Really?
ELVIS
Yeah, really. Look here. Look. (ELVIS cuts ZANDER's hands free.)
Okay? Now get out, you unholy beast.
LUCE (Grabbing shirt, pouty) I can't have him?
ZANDER
No, he's, ah, he's too good a Christian for you.
(LUCE joins ZANDER at
door. ELVIS keeps his gun trained on her, but stays as far away
as possible.)
ELVIS
Go on. Go on, get out.
LUCE
Oookay...
ZANDER
Hey, wait. Where are the traps?
ELVIS
Hunh?
ZANDER
The traps, man, where are the traps?
ELVIS
What does a demon care about bear traps?
ZANDER
She doesn't care. I do. She'll just come right back in here if
I get killed. You don't want that, do you?
ELVIS
No! All right, all right, go ten paces to the left of the outhouse,
an' walk straight. But don't you tell them gov'ment soldiers 'bout
that.
ZANDER
Tell you what. I'll even have Luce here scare them off for you.
ELVIS
Yeah?
ZANDER
Free of charge.
ELVIS
That's awful nice of you.
LUCE
No problem.
ZANDER (To LUCE) You're gonna do that dance for me later, right?
LUCE (To ZANDER) Shh!
ELVIS
So get out! Go on!
(ZANDER and LUCE exit.
Pause. ELVIS walks slowly to door, which is still open. He points
the gun in the direction LUCE and ZANDER exited, and for just
a moment it looks as if he's going to fire. He reconsiders, lowers
the gun, closes the door. He removes the tin foil from his head.)