(Lights come up on a
large room that is mostly unfurnished, with one desk and accompanying
chair on one side of the room and a card table with two chairs
on the opposite side. It would appear to be a generously spaced
office, except that the far wall of the room is covered from Left
to Right with exceptionally large numbered file cabinets. There
is a door Stage Left and a window Stage Right. It is night. Sitting
at the desk and reading the paper is Garbo. Garbo is a fairly
large forty- two year old dressed in an officious- looking uniform
and a white frock coat. The quality of the uniform suggests that
he has perhaps not removed it since he was hired fifteen years
earlier. He also wears a pair of petite reading glasses that are
wholly dwarved by his face. He is chewing on an unlit cigar and
reading the obituary section of the paper, while resting his feet
on the desk.)
GARBO
Huh. (He leans forward. The chair creaks terribly.) Hey,
seventeen. Hey. You're famous. Yeah, gotcha right 'ere. (He
coughs ferociously, pulls the cigar from his mouth, and spits
on the floor.) Page forty-three. (Pause. Returns cigar
to mouth) 'Course, you ain't as big as twenty-two over there.
Nossir, he made page one, he did. Heart attack on route ten don't
quite measure up ta gettin' stabbed thirteen times, sorry ta say.
Practically a celebrity, number twenty- two is. Yessir. (Pause.
He reads more) Only forty- one? A
shame. A damned shame. Too much work, twenty- two. Getcha every
time. An' look, what'll the wife and five kids do now, huh? Five
kids. Huh. Two boys an' three girls. Never much cared for kids
myself, but, you know, that's just me. Got a dog? They never mention
that in the obits. Think they aughtta, don't you? I hadda dog
once. Called him Uno. You know, like the pizza place. Anyhow,
he died. (Pause) Don't know why I gave 'im a spic name...
(Pause. He looks at the ledger on his desk) Ah, not that
I got anythin' against spics, eighteen. A fine people, you spanish
folk. (Pause) Oh, hey, I forgot. (He stands and walks
to the cabinets, stopping at number twelve) Number twelve,
meet numbers one through thirty. Numbers one through thirty, meet
number twelve. 'Cept number six. Nobody in number six. Slow night.
(Pause) If, ah, if ya get lonely or anythin', you can talk
ta thirteen an' eleven. They was women too, so, you know, you
got a lot in common. (Pause) Anyhow. Enjoy yer stay.
(Pause. Garbo returns to the chair and sits still as if waiting
for a response to his speech, then returns to the paper. Enter
Dude. Dude is twenty- five. He's tall and skinny, and his face
is pock- marked as a result of a scourge of zits from his youth.
In his mouth is an unlit cigarette. He is dressed in an identical
uniform, albeit cleaner. The pants don't quite fit, not really
making it to his ankles
when he's standing. He enters tentatively, unnoticed by Garbo
until he makes it all the way around to the front of the desk.
He clears his throat, causing Garbo to jump halfway out of his
chair.)
DUDE
Uh, Garbo?
GARBO
Oh, Christ. Scared me shitless, kid!
DUDE
Are you Mr. Garbo?
GARBO
No "mister" shit. Just Garbo. Who're you?
DUDE
Um, Dude. Just Dude. (Hesitantly offers hand to shake. Garbo
misses the motion entirely.)
GARBO
Just Dude. What k'n I do you for?
DUDE
I'm, uh, I'm new here, and...
GARBO
Oh, hey, you Macky's replacement?
DUDE
Yeah, I guess.
GARBO
'Bout time they got one in. Old Macky's been gone fer six months
now.
DUDE
They...
GARBO
No, seven.
DUDE
They said you'd tell me...
GARBO
Christ, when did he die?
DUDE
Tell me what to do.
GARBO
Old Macky... Uh, yeah, right. So. (Garbo pulls out an official-
looking piece of paper on a clipboard, and a pen. He leans back
in the chair.) You married?
DUDE
Um, no.
GARBO
No? Any kids?
DUDE
I said I wasn't married.
GARBO
I got that. Do you have any kids?
DUDE
No, I don't.
GARBO
Dog?
DUDE
No. Well, once, but he died.
GARBO
Education?
DUDE
Yes.
GARBO
Yes what?
DUDE
Yes, I got one.
GARBO
Okay.
DUDE
You know I answered a bunch of questions in the interview. Are
you sure you need to...
GARBO
Trust me, kid, those puss buckets down in resources don't know
squat about this friggin' job. When I came here fifteen years
ago Macky asked me these same questions, an' I'll tell ya, if
I didn't turn out the right answers then I wouldn't be sittin'
here today. Okay? Now, one more question. Say we bring a body
in here and he's got somethin' comin' out of his mouth that looks
like a lower intestine would you puke on your own shoes first
or somebody else's?
DUDE (Giving it some thought) My own.
GARBO
Good.
DUDE
I don't even know what a lower intestine looks like.
GARBO
You passed. Congratulations. Go over to that table and sit down.
(Dude sits. Garbo opens the desk drawer and pulls out a
deck of cards and crosses to sit at the table opposite him.
He begins to shuffle.)
GARBO
Now, lemme tell ya what this here job boils down to. This'll be
real quick an' real simple so we can get it outta the way. All
right? Pick a card. (Dude does. He puts it down face up.) Six
'a clubs. Okay. Now pay attention. Six 'a clubs is dead. An' he
stinks somethin' awful. So bad in fact that the other cards don't
wanna even see 'im anymore. Problem is, the top cards, the bleeding
hearts, wanna know who aced the six of clubs, figurin' he was
knifed by a spade or somethin', so they don't wanna just throw
him away without checkin' him over first. So in the name 'a justice
they leave the six in the hands of jokers like you an' me to hold
onto. Easy, right? So. Where do we put the six?
DUDE
Um, drawer number six?
GARBO
Naw. Back in the deck. Can't play without a full deck.
(He returns the six to the deck and begins shuffling.)
GARBO
Play gin?
DUDE
No.
GARBO
Poker?
DUDE
Nope.
GARBO
King's corners? Go fish? (Dude shakes his head) You ever
played cards, kid?
DUDE
Yeah.
GARBO
What game?
DUDE
War.
GARBO (After brief pause) 'Kay. War it is. (Garbo deals out
the whole deck, and then pulls his glasses out from his pocket
and puts them on. Dude looks around the room. He appears to be
searching for something.)
DUDE
They let us play cards?
GARBO
'Course. Nothin' else to do. (Pause)
DUDE
Are you sure?
GARBO
Listen. Is there anybody in the room that ain't supposed t'be
in the room?
DUDE
No.
GARBO
Do you suppose they mind? (He points to the cabinets.)
DUDE
Heh. Naw.
GARBO (To cabinets) Hey! Does anybody mind if we play cards?
We don't want to disturb you or anything. (Pause, as though
waiting for a response) Anybody wanna get dealt in? (Pause,
again) Looks like we're in the clear, kid. Now, you gonna
throw down the first card, or what?
(Dude does. The game progresses three or four cards before
Garbo begins to have another coughing fit. It spreads to Dude
like a yawn might in different circumstances, and soon both are
coughing. They finish at the same time and spit on the floor at
the same time. They look at each other carefully for a moment.
Garbo slowly returns his cigar to
his mouth. He is mirrored by Dude, who puts his cigarette
back. Unable to handle the coincidence, they return to the
card game.)
DUDE
Looks like rain.
GARBO
Does it? (He looks out the window.) Yeah, guess it does.
Hey, hey, what're you doin'?
DUDE
What?
GARBO
Nine beats five, that's mine.
(Dude pulls a pair of glasses out of his pocket and puts
them on. They are identical to Garbo's.)
DUDE
Oh, yeah, sorry.
(He gives the cards to Garbo. There's a short pause as they
stare at one another in their identical glasses. They then continue
in silence until neither have any cards left, shuffle their winnings
and continue to play.)
GARBO
Hey, you ever gonna light that?
DUDE
Hmm? Oh. No, I don't smoke.
GARBO
Yeah? Neither do I.
DUDE
Is this really all we have to do?
GARBO
Pretty much.
DUDE
Don't we have to put them in there?
GARBO
Oh, yeah, but that takes, what, two minutes? Naw, the biggest
part 'a the job is what we're doin' right now. War.
(Both put three cards face down and turn the fourth face up.)
DUDE
Pretty heavy, aren't they? Mine.
GARBO
Well, yeah, you're talkin' dead weight there, but we got ways
around that. Here, I'll show ya. Wait here.
(He stands and exits. Dude puts his cards down and stands.
He stares at the cabinets, then crosses to the window and stares
out into the night. A bolt of lightning lights up his face and
the sound of distant thunder can be heard. Garbo re-enters with
a gurney.)
GARBO
Okay, see, I got this from down the hall. They bring one in, they
leave it on one 'a these, with the sheet over the face an' everything,
and... Hey, kid, you listening?
DUDE
I thought I heard something. (Fixed on the cabinets)
GARBO
What, from them? Don't worry 'bout it. I used 'ta hear shit too.
Just your mind playin' tricks is all.
DUDE
You sure?
GARBO
Yeah, real sure. Trust me. Now, you listening?
DUDE
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
GARBO
Good. Now, so as I was sayin', they leave the stiff on one 'a
these here things. We pick it up at the door. If the stiff's got
a name, which it usually don't, we go over to the desk, see which
drawer's empty, an' write the name next to the number. If it don't
got a name, write John Doe, or Jane Doe if it's a lady stiff.
Then, cart it over to the drawer, open the drawer, and then tip
the cart, like this. (He lifts gurney.) If you do it right
the stiff should just slide right on in, sheet still over the
face an' everything. Okay?
DUDE
Okay.
GARBO
You don't even need two people for it- in fact, I been doin' it
alone since Macky left. Come on. We got a game t'finish.
(They return to the game. Garbo leaves the gurney next to the
drawers.)
DUDE
So what happened to Macky?
(Another bolt of lightning strikes outside.)
GARBO
Uhm? Oh. He died. Heart attack, they said. Pretty funny, really.
See, I'd just been out for a minute to use the bathroom, an'...
DUDE
He died here?
GARBO
Yeah. We were right in the middle of a card game, too. It was...
Hey, kid, stop lookin' over there.
DUDE
I heard it again.
GARBO
It's all in your head.
DUDE
Yeah?
GARBO
Yeah.
DUDE
You sure?
GARBO
Positive. Lemme finish my story. So anyways, I leave fer the bathroom,
an' you know, I'm gone fer a few minutes, no big deal. But when
I get back, Macky, he's nowhere in sight.
DUDE
What do you mean?
GARBO
I mean gone. Like, disappeared. I call downstairs, he ain't come
by. Nobody's seen him. Search the whole building, nothing.
(A bright flash illuminates the window, and the lights flicker.
A distant bumping sound can be heard from the cabinets.)
GARBO
God damnit! Hold on, I'd better get some candles, just in case.
The power goes every now and then and I don't wanna walk around
here in the dark if I can help it. Don't move, I'll be right back.
(Garbo gets up and goes to the desk. Dude is transfixed on
the cabinets. The chair creaks when Garbo sits.)
DUDE
Ahh!
GARBO
Creaky old fuckin' chair, isn't it?
(Garbo ducks out of sight as he rifles through the bottom desk
drawer. The bumping sound recommences briefly.)
GARBO
Here we go. (Garbo crosses to the table with two candles. He
stands them up on the table and lights both.) Just in case.
By the way, why the hell were you banging on the drawers?
DUDE
I didn't move.
GARBO
Aw, come on, I heard ya.
DUDE
You told me to stay here, and I didn't move.
GARBO
Okay. Okay, fine, you didn't move. So where were we?
DUDE
Macky.
GARBO
Yeah, Macky. Right. Okay, so I get back an' he's just disappeared,
right?
(The bumping sound returns, slightly louder, slightly longer.)
DUDE
You hear that, right?
GARBO
(Ignoring) So we called the police, filed a missin' person
report, all that shit, and still no sign.
(Lightning, loud thunder.)
DUDE
You heard it, didn't you?
GARBO
Heard what, kid? I didn't hear nothin'. So... So I was... Uh,
I was the one that ended up finding him. Macky, I mean. Just a
matter a time I guess.
DUDE
Where was he?
GARBO
In number six. I dropped a body right on top of him. Wouldn't
'a noticed even then except the drawer wouldn't close.
DUDE
My God. How did he end up in there?
GARBO
Dunno. (Bump, louder) My, uh, my guess is, he was lookin'
in the drawer for some reason, had his stroke and fell in. The
floor's slanted so it would'a closed up again. Almost gave me
a heart attack lookin' in there an' seein' Macky starin' back
at me. Crazy world. War.
(Thunder and lightning, louder still.)
DUDE
It's getting worse out there.
GARBO
Yeah. (Bump)
DUDE
Double war. (They put three more down and one more up. The
bumping becomes consistent.) Triple. (Three more down and
one more up as another bolt of lightning strikes. The bumping
noise continues.) Quadruple. (Three go down, and as they
are about to put the last card face up the bumping stops. Both
relax and put their cards down together.) I win.
(He reaches across to pick up the pool of cards. The bumping
starts up suddenly, fast and furious and very loud. Dude drops
the cards, stands and crosses to the cabinets.)
DUDE
There's somebody alive in there.
GARBO
Naw, It's nothing. It'll... It'll go away in a second. I heard
it before, you know an' it...
DUDE
Can't you hear it! There's somebody alive in there!
(Lightning strikes, very close by. The noise stops. Pause.)
DUDE
You know I read in a book once about how some old coffins are
found with fingernail grooves on the lid.
GARBO
Huh?
DUDE
Yeah. Yeah, it was kinda weird, 'cause the grooves were on the
inside of the lids. They were made by the people in the coffins.
Can you imagine what it must have been like to wake up trapped
in a wooden box? Would'a been nothing to do but claw at the walls
until the air ran out. Of course, people didn't know so much back
then. That'd never happen today.
GARBO
No. No, 'course not. That's why we got doctors, right? Nobody
gets buried without bein' seen by a doctor first. (Thunderbolt
strikes. More bumping.) Hey! Hey, which one 'a you's doin'
that!
DUDE
It's gotta be comin' from someplace else.
GARBO
Yeah, yeah, it's... Maybe it's comin' from the other side of the
wall. (Bump) No. No. That can't be. Wall's too solid. (Bump)
An earthquake or somethin'? (Ear to cabinets)
DUDE
I can't tell. (Lightning) Could be any one of them. (Bump)
GARBO
Stop it!
DUDE
I don't know. I can't tell. We're going to have to open them.
(He grabs the handle of the first drawer he's near.)
GARBO (Pulls Dude's hand away) No. No, don't. (Bump)
DUDE
But we've got to...
GARBO
Don't open the drawers! (Thunderbolt)
DUDE
Somebody is in there!
GARBO
This is not happening! Don't you understand that? This isn't real!
(The bumping is now a constant sound.) Shut up! Goddamn
you, shut up! (He starts to bang on the drawers) You're
all dead! Your lives are over, don't you get it! Shut up! Numbers,
that's all, you're all nameless, faceless, numbers! (He starts
to kick at the drawers) Don't you know when to die!? Stop
it! (Abruptly, the bumping stops.)
VOICE (From within the cabinets) Garbo....
(Lightning strikes right outside the window, lighting up the
room. The thunderclap is huge. The power goes out, leaving the
candles as the only illumination.)
GARBO
Macky? (The bumping begins anew.) Macky? I'm sorry! Oh,
stop it please, I'm sorry, I'm...
(Garbo stops breathing. He clutches his chest and claws at
his throat. His dying motion is to reach desperately for Dude.
The bumping slows and then stops in time with his death. Dude
stares for a long time at Garbo.)
DUDE
Garbo?
(Dude looks around the room. He goes over to Garbo and checks
for a pulse. Finding none, he drags Garbo over to
drawer number six. He opens the drawer and lifts Garbo intoit.
He grabs a sheet from the gurney, puts it over Garbo and shuts
the drawer. The lights come back on. Dude goes to thedesk and
enters Garbo's name on the register. He cleans up the cards, blows
out the candle and puts everything back intothe desk. When this
is done he sits down in the creaky chair, opens up the newpaper,
puts on the glasses and begins to read the obituary section. He
goes into a coughing fit, as before, spits on the floor, puts
his cigarette back into his mouth, and continues to read the paper.
As the lights fade to black, the sound of Garbo beating the inside
of the cabinet can be heard, starting loud, and fading to nothing
in time with the lights. It is ignored by Dude.)