Traditionally, Major League Baseball is played in the summertime, when there are no other major professional sports to watch and there is nothing good on TV. Thus, for the average sports fan, a baseball strike can be exceptionally devastating, especially for the average sports fan over thirty. (Persons under thirty who watch baseball are fairly anomalous.) Without a sport to follow, sports fans can act irrational, and may become violent if provoked. Learning how to survive without baseball is therefore critical, especially since strikes tend to happen every six to eight years.
1: Identify the signs Baseball withdrawal symptoms vary widely depending on the economic status of the sufferer. The very wealthy, for instance, may decide to establish a summer pro football league, or take up competitive yacht racing. The list below is therefore not all-inclusive, but does represent some of the major symptoms. They are:
-- A sudden interest in professional wrestling
-- Unexplained fascination with Regis Philbin
-- Repeated viewing of Bull Durham, The Natural, and Field of Dreams
-- Stalking Peter Gammons
-- Overuse of baseball metaphors in everyday conversation
-- Obsessive interest in football training camps and basketball summer leagues
-- The desire to punch George Will in the mouth (We are kidding. This is perfectly normal.)
-- Long conversations with total strangers regarding your success in last year's fantasy baseball league.
2: Understand the problem Sometimes it helps to understand the reason for your suffering. In other words, why is there a strike? This may seem like a very complicated question, but it is only complicated because there are lawyers involved.
Basically, the owners want to stop spending so much money on the players, while the players would prefer to continue to earn gobs of cash. That's about it.
3: Understanding the problem a bit better than that Oh, all right. But this is only going to complicate things unnecessarily.
The owners don't trust each other enough to not drive up prices on player contracts, so they want to establish a salary cap (or something similar,) but the players don't want a salary cap as this might prevent them from continuing to earn gobs of cash, which they need to have due to the rising costs of steroids. The owners argue that the way things are right now, not only can 3/4 of them no longer field competitive teams, but some of them are going bankrupt, and to prove this they have said "honestly, it's true" a bunch of times before racing off in their limos to burn all the accounting books. The players say if the owners can't police themselves it's really not their problem, and the owners say they used to do just fine policing themselves, that they used to have a system whereby they all agreed not to sign away players from other teams or give them gobs of cash or anything and that system worked just fine, and the players say that's collusion, and you can't do that. And the owners say well, if we can't do that, how about a salary cap instead? Then it starts all over again.
Now don't you wish we hadn't bothered to explain all that?
4: Find something else to do For many, following sports is a full-time responsibility, which is why a baseball strike can be so very devastating. You may be surprised to learn that there are a great many other sport and non-sport activities which can approximate the baseball experience. Here are a few.
Other Sports These are actual sports that tend to take place during the baseball season. Often, the rules are simple enough for anyone who can comprehend the infield fly rule to be able to pick up very quickly.
--Tennis. Two to four people with "tennis raquets" hit a yellow ball back and forth. Most matches last a few hours, there is a lot of grunting, and the men will sometimes adjust themselves, so there are a lot of baseball elements at play. As a bonus, women also play, and some of them are very attractive.
--Soccer. Two teams of eleven kick a "soccer ball" back and forth. There are also baseball elements: incredibly long stretches of play where nothing of significance happens, and nobody knowing for sure when the game is actually going to end (even though there is a clock.) Women play this sport as well, and have been known to disrobe when very excited.
Non-Sports Activities These are things to watch or even actively participate in yourself.
--Golf. Watching golf on television is a lot like lapsing into a coma, only less exciting. Still, it comes with announcers who think it's a sport, and you don't have to get up from the couch to appreciate it.
--Reading. This may come as a surprise, but there is a great deal of literature out there that didn't originate on a sports page.
--Family interaction. You probably have family somewhere. Check behind the couch.
5: Desperate
measures If none of the above approaches work in helping
you cope with a major league baseball strike, we recommend getting
Ken Burns' documentary "Baseball," but only as a last
resort. The advantage-- after watching all nine hours of it--
is that it will satisfy your baseball jones. The disadvantage
is, you may never want to watch another second of baseball ever
again.
Order your copy of The OTHER Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook today to read:
How to Survive A Bad Movie
How to Fend Off A Bear
How to Get Into Heaven
How to Rob A Bank
...and much more!
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