Scene: The Riviera, or perhaps Palm Beach. Actually,
it's a soundstage in New York. But it looks like the
Riviera, or perhaps Palm Beach. In the foreground, our
lovers, Duke and Bubbles, are gazing affectionately into one
another's eyes across a breakfast table. In the background,
scenes of the Riviera, or perhaps Palm Beach, are played out.
Violins are heard.
BUBBLES: Oh, Duke. I had such a wonderful time last night.
DUKE: So did I.
BUBBLES: And I never dreamed it would be so big! (Duke
smiles proudly.) The beach, I mean, it just goes on
forever!
DUKE: Just as long as you're happy, Bubbles. That's all
that matters now.
BUBBLES: Oh, I am! I hardly even think about... about... (She starts crying. The violins stop and the organ
kicks in.)
DUKE: (Takes her hand) Bubbles, you've got to snap out
of
it! We all know how much Bruce meant to you, but he's
been dead for almost a week now! You have to get on
with your life.
BUBBLES: I know. I'm so selfish. Gosh, you were his best
friend and all, you must be as upset as I am. Even
though you two had that knife fight only hours before he
died in that terrible lumber accident, I know how much
he meant to you! I just have to learn to be as strong
as you are.
DUKE: I can teach you.
BUBBLES: I just keep thinking... If only you'd been able to
free him from those chains before he reached the buzz
saw...
DUKE: I tried. I tried.
BUBBLES: I know you did.
(Pause. They stare into one another's eyes again. Duke
breaks it off and stands.)
DUKE: There's... something I want to tell you, Bubbles.
And... Well, now that Bruce is gone... I love you.
I've always loved you. (The violins return. In fact,
two guys playing violin can be seen on the beach behind
them.)
BUBBLES: Oh Duke. I feel the same for you.
DUKE: You do?
BUBBLES: Yes. It's terrible, I know, but even when Bruce
was alive I felt something for you. I even thought
about having a cheap and tawdry affair behind his back,
but I knew it would kill him if he found out. But
now...
DUKE: Bubbles, (He gets down on one knee) Will you marry
me?
(Lights out. Cut to police station.)
Scene: The office of detective Scar. He's looking over
some papers and occasionally rubbing his eyes, since he
hasn't gone home to bed for several episodes. Enter police
chief Orville.
SCAR: Oh, hi Orville.
ORVILLE: Scar, don't you think it's about time you went home
and got some sleep?
SCAR: I'm fine. (He yawns for five seconds.)
ORVILLE: You're not fine. You haven't left this office for
two days. And you're still clean shaven and your
clothes aren't even wrinkled. How the hell do you do
that?
SCAR: Remember when I was trapped in that cave- in with
Missy last year?
ORVILLE: Do I. Trapped in a collapsed mine shaft for three
weeks without food or water and the two of you walk out
without a hair out of place. Missy even had fresh make-
up on. Frankly, the whole thing is baffling.
SCAR: That isn't the only thing.
ORVILLE: Are you still hung up on the Bruce Clark case?
Look, I know Bruce was a friend of yours, but it's an
open and shut case.
SCAR: We're missing something, Orville. I'm sure of it.
Look, according to Duke Rover's statement, Bruce
accidentally chained himself to a log on a moving
treadmill.
ORVILLE: That sort of thing happens all the time, Scar.
Why, just last week I accidentally handcuffed myself to
my bedpost without a stitch of clothing on.
SCAR: I remember. It's a good thing for you my wife was in
your bathroom trying to remove that stain from her dress
at the time.
ORVILLE: Lucky. I might have been there all night, what
with my wife away overseas. Anyhow, so what is it about
the Clark case that has you so worked up?
SCAR: I don't know. It's just this whole thing about him
being chained on by accident. I keep thinking...
ORVILLE: Yes...
SCAR: Well, what if...
ORVILLE: Go on...
SCAR: What if it wasn't an accident at all? What if
somebody else chained him to the log?
(Lights out. Cut to doctor's office)
Scene: Doctor Finefinger is talking with nurse
Goodbody.
DOCTOR: How is the patient?
NURSE: He's fine, doctor Finefinger.
DOCTOR: Good, nurse Goodbody, very good.
NURSE: It's a miracle he's still alive, doctor.
DOCTOR: There are no miracles, nurse. Just medical
expertise. Oh, I'll admit, things looked pretty grim
with the patient cut in two and all, but I knew he had a
chance. He's young and strong.
NURSE: Oh, doctor. I get so excited when you talk like
that...
(Lights out. Lights up on Scar's office.)
ORVILLE: But how, Scar? Duke said they were the only ones
there that night. If somebody else had chained Bruce to
that log I'm sure he would have seen them.
SCAR: Oh, I know it sounds crazy. But so does being told
you're actually the twin brother of the man you'd
thought you were and that you'd been brainwashed two
years ago while your brother went to Sweden to get a sex
change operation so that he could come back and get
engaged to himself. And that happened to me last week.
So, stranger things have happened.
ORVILLE: You've got a point there. Remember last year when
I got that bump on my head that completely altered my
personality? I must've killed at least thirty or forty
people before you managed to turn me around. Boy was
that embarassing. But what I want to know is, who would
want to kill a nice guy like Bruce?
(Lights out. Lights up on beach.)
DUKE: Well, Bubbles? Will you marry me?
BUBBLES: You already said that.
DUKE: But will you?
BUBBLES: I... I'd like to, but... I can't.
DUKE: Why not?
BUBBLES: Because.... Because....
DUKE: Because what!
BUBBLES: Because....
(Lights out.)
VOICE- OVER: Will Bubbles ever finish her sentence? Stay
tuned tomorrow for the Dull and the Chestless.
(Dramatic music. Fade out.) TheDullandtheChestless:
ScenesFromASoapOpera
(Part Two)
The Docks and Other Spooky Places
Scene: The breakfast table with Duke and Bubbles.
BUBBLES: Because... Because...
DUKE: Because what!
(Lights out. Lights up on the docks. Ship's bells can
be heard in the background. Scar sneaks onstage, with his
gun drawn.)
VOICE: (Offstage) Stop right there.
SCAR: Eyebrow, is that you?
(Eyebrow steps onstage. He's a big man with a big
eyebrow.)
EYEBROW: Who wants to know?
SCAR: It's me, Scar.
EYEBROW: What do you want?
SCAR: Information. What do you know about the Bruce Clark
case?
EYEBROW: Why should I tell you anything, cop?
SCAR: Because if you don't I'll tell everybody the truth.
That you're actually a really nice guy who used to sell
insurance upstate before you discovered you had a fetish
for small boys and smelly aquatic places. That isn't
even your real eyebrow.
EYEBROW: You wouldn't!
SCAR: Try me.
EYEBROW: All right, all right. You're one tough customer,
Scar.
SCAR: I have to be. I'm the good guy. So fess up.
EYEBROW: Word is, Bruce Clark was murdered.
SCAR: I knew it! But, who did it?
EYEBROW: Jesus, I don't know.
(Behind Scar, a man wearing a bandana is sneaking up on
him with a large stick in his hand.)
SCAR: Good enough. I have just one more question. If you
spend your time skulking around on the docks all day,
how is it you always know about every crime committed in
the city? And why is it, instead of investigating these
things like I aught to, I always end up down here,
squeezing you for information and getting clubbed on the
head?
EYEBROW: Beats the heck outta me.
(The guy clubs him on the head. He falls over
unconscious.)
(Lights out on docks, up on hospital. Nurse Goodbody is
checking on the patient, who is in a bed and not visible.
Fortunately. We're out of actors. She checks the patient's
pulse, checks off something on the clipboard in her lap, and
then stands up. The patient's arm falls onto the floor. She screams.)
NURSE: Doctor!
(Doctor Finefinger rushes in.)
DOCTOR: What is it, nurse?
NURSE: Look! (She holds up the arm.)
DOCTOR: The stitches must have come loose. Quick, get me a
needle and thread.
(She hands him the arm and runs out of the room. The
doctor rushes to the bedside and puts the arm back into
place.)
DOCTOR: You'll be all right, son. Nobody's going to lose a
limb while I'm around.
(Lights out. Lights up on the docks. Orville sneaks
onstage.)
ORVILLE: (Stage whisper) Scar! Scar, are you here?
(Scar moans. Orville scurries over and finds him.)
ORVILLE: There you are! Are you okay?
(He helps him up.)
SCAR: Yeah. He hit me on the head again. Why does he keep
doing that?
ORVILLE: You don't have amnesia again, do you?
SCAR: Ah... No, no I don't think so.
ORVILLE: No sudden urges to do unspeakably evil things or
put on womens' clothing?
SCAR: Nope. I'm okay.
ORVILLE: Good. We don't have time for any subplots.
SCAR: Wait!
ORVILLE: What?
SCAR: I've got it! I know who killed Bruce Clark!
(Lights out. Lights up on breakfast table.)
BUBBLES: Because...
DUKE: What! Because what!!!
BUBBLES: I could never marry you knowing you were
actually... My brother!
(Dramatic music. Pause.)
DUKE: That's disgusting!
BUBBLES: Oh, but it's true. I promised I'd never tell a
soul, but... Well it's out now.
DUKE: Wait a minute. You were born here, right?
BUBBLES: Uh- huh.
DUKE: While I was born in Alaska and raised by a pack of
encephalytic wolves. We established that last year,
remember?
BUBBLES: Yeah...
DUKE: So how is it remotely possible for us to be related?
BUBBLES: (Sighs) Okay. Remember when my mother was
hospitalized with a rare blood disease that was slowly
turning her into a zombie with a lisp, and she could
only be cured by a transfusion from a close relative?
You might not. You were in a coma at the time. Anyhow,
mother had to get an ounce of my blood, because I was
her closest blood relative. But what I didn't know was
that nurse Crappysnatch, who secretly hated my mother
because mother once giggled at her when she'd farted in
an elevator, switched my blood with yours. Much to
nurse Crappysnatch's surprise, mother recovered fully,
only with a mild fetish for black veils. So that can
only mean one thing. You are actually my long lost
brother.
(Pause)
DUKE: Okay, that makes sense. But did you know about this
last night?
BUBBLES: Yeah...
DUKE: And we still...
(Bubbles nods)
DUKE: That's disgusting!
(Scar and Orville burst in, with guns drawn.)
SCAR: All right, nobody move!
(Nobody moves.)
SCAR: Good.
DUKE: What's this all about, Scar? We're in the middle of a
moment here.
BUBBLES: Yeah.
SCAR: I think you know. (puts away his gun) It's about
the
death of Bruce Clark. Or should I say... Murder!
(Dramatic music. Blackout.)
VOICE- OVER: Who did kill Bruce Clark? Will we find out
tomorrow? Or are we going to drag this thing out for
several days like we always do? Tune in tomorrow for
The Dull and the Chestless.
TheDullandtheChestless:
ScenesFromASoapOpera
(Part Three)
The Dramatic Finale
Or
Too Many Characters and Not Enough Actors
Scene: The breakfast nook, at the Riviera Or Perhaps
Palm Springs.
DUKE: Scar, what is the meaning of this? Everybody knows
Bruce's death was an accident!
SCAR: Oh. Is that so? I suppose you were there?
ORVILLE: He was there, Scar.
SCAR: That's right. I forgot. But I do remember what you
told the police...
ORVILLE: Us.
SCAR: Right, what you told us the next morning. Do you
remember?
DUKE: (Mumbling) Yeah, I remember.
SCAR: Do you?
DUKE: Yes! God, you're annoying.
SCAR: You said, Bruce Clark 'accidentally' chained himself
to a log. He also 'accidentally' put a gag into his
mouth and 'accidentally' broke both of his own kneecaps!
DUKE: I didn't say anything about kneecaps.
SCAR: I was testing you! But what you didn't say... Was
that Bubbles was there with you!
(Dramatic music)
BUBBLES: No, that's not true!
DUKE: What are you talking about, Scar?
SCAR: Admit it! While Duke's back was turned you whacked
Bruce on the head and chained him to the log.
BUBBLES: But why would I do such a thing?
SCAR: Because he was dangerously close to finding out the
truth about you, Bubbles. He hinted at it with me the
night before his death, but I was too busy trying to
figure out who poisoned Dirk Chasting's Pepto Bismol to
catch on to it. But I remember now. He said 'Scar, I
think Bubbles is... a man!'
(Dramatic music)
DUKE: What?! That's impossible!
ORVILLE: Scar, are you sure about this?
BUBBLES: (In a much deeper voice) Yes, it's true. (Takes
off the wig)
DUKE: That's disgusting!
BUBBLES: My real name is Michelangelo Butterfield.
SCAR: I can see why you changed your name. But there's
more to it than that, isn't there, Bubbles?
BUBBLES: I didn't kill him, Scar. I wasn't even there. I
was...
ORVILLE: She was with me.
(Dramatic music)
DUKE: Oh, please.
ORVILLE: Yes, it's true. I stayed with Bubbles that
evening. We watched wrestler films until sunrise. Oh,
the decadence!
SCAR: You're a sick man, Orville. But then, I'm wearing
womens' underwear...
(Dramatic music)
SCAR: ...so I shouldn't talk. But there's something else
you haven't told us, Bubbles.
BUBBLES: What's that?
SCAR: That you're actually... (He opens her robe) ...Nurse
Goodbody from the hospital scene!
(Dramatic music)
SCAR: And that Duke is actually... (He pulls a doctor's
frock from under the table) ...Doctor Finefinger!
(Dramatic music)
SCAR: And the guy with the bandana! (Pulls out bandana)
(Dramatic music)
ORVILLE: But how?
SCAR: You're in no position to ask, Orville, because you're
(Dramatic music)
SCAR: (To the band) Wait for it! (To Orville) You're
actually... Eyebrow!
(Dramatic music)
SCAR: You know, it never used to bother me that one- day
scenes took five days to complete, and yet we still
managed to celebrate Christmas on time. I never noticed
before how a conversation at a breakfast table took
place in the daytime at the same time as a nighttime
scene on the docks. Or that everybody I knew in town
went from being nice people to total psychotics and back
again on a regular basis. Or that severe amnesia was as
common as a head cold. But then I got hit on the head
down on the docks, and suddenly it was clear. Suddenly
I knew who really killed Bruce Clark.
DUKE: Who?
SCAR: The answer's out there! (He points to the audience)
(Everybody peers out at the crowd)
BUBBLES: What, in the audience?
SCAR: Yes! Somebody out there is responsible for writing
this crap!
ORVILLE: You're right, Scar. Something has to be done. Do
you hear me! We demand depth! We deserve more than
just cheap melodrama and cliched plots!
DUKE: Stop it, both of you!
SCAR: What?
DUKE: Well, look at you, your totally out of character.
It's sick.
SCAR: But we have to fight this, Duke! Don't you see?
DUKE: You can't, you moron, you're scripted.
SCAR: What are you talking about?
DUKE: Everything you just said was in the script. You've
done exactly what the writer told you to do.
SCAR: No! It can't be true!
DUKE: It is, look. (He pulls a copy of the script from his
back pocket) See?
SCAR: (Reading) Oh my God, it's true! And my next line
is.. (scans down) Oh my God, it's true! And my next
line is...
DUKE: Shut up, Scar! (He raises the mannequin arm)
SCAR: (Gasps) It's the petrified arm of Bruce Clark!
(Dramatic music)
SCAR: No!!
(Duke whacks him on the head with it. He goes down.)
BUBBLES: Duke, why'd you do that?
DUKE: I had to, Bubbles. It was in the script.
(Lights out)
VOICE-OVER: Will the writer regain control of his
characters?
ORVILLE: What the hell is that?
DUKE: Shut up, it's the voice- over.
VOICE-OVER: Will we find out who really killed Bruce Clark?
Will Bruce live, even without his arm? Will anybody
care? How many times will a man look up before he can
see the sky? Stay tuned for the next episode of The
Dull and the Chestless!