The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook

Under certain circumstances, being a smoker could save your life. We at the Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook can't come up with any, but we're sure there are.

Oh, here's one. Say you're a smoker and you happen to be outside having your precious cigarette at the very same time terrorists decide to blow up your office. There you go.

As we were saying, under certain circumstances, being a smoker could save your life. You have probably heard a great deal about the dangers of smoking. Here are some of the advantages.

--As the only one in the room who doesn't know you smell like an ashtray, you will be the only one in the room who will not be bothered by it.

--Feeling too energetic and on-the-go? Smoking is an excellent way to get rid of that excess energy. You may never leave the couch again.

--Learning how to light a cigarette in sub-zero temperatures during a driving sleet storm because your building is non-smoking builds character.

--In the event of a fire you should be fine, because breathing smoke won't really bother you.

--Smoking kills your taste buds, which is great for anybody who doesn't like food.

--Cigarette smoke wards off undesirable people, such as those damned asthmatics.

--If you live long enough, you may be able to get one of those very awesome mechanical voice box things that make people sound like robots when they talk.

--Unlike many other smokable products, tobacco is grown right here in the U.S. of A. Support your country!*

--All the cool kids are doing it.

How to Start Smoking

1: Buy a pack of cigarettes How much do you have on you? No, that's not enough. Maybe you should go to the ATM.

2: Pack it down For a cigarette to burn efficiently, the contents (i.e., the tobacco, and whatever chemicals the industry's chemists are putting into them this week) need to be packed tightly together. Take the pack of cigarettes and slap either the top or the bottom of it against the palm of your hand four or five times. Do not slap the side of the pack, as this will do no good and also makes you look stupid.

3: Open A pack of cigarettes can be opened by removing the cellophane top with a pull-string and then tearing out the tin foil covering inside. Neither of these pieces of trash are in any way biodegradable. Go ahead and throw them on the ground anyhow. What the hell.

4: Lighting your first cigarette Take the end with the filter on it and stick it into your mouth. Light the other end with a flame of some kind. Inhale. You will notice that your lungs are now burning, your eyes are watering, you are horribly dizzy, and you have begun to cough so hard that you feel it is a real possibility you are about to die. This is normal. Keep going.

5: Getting used to it It may take you a few days before you're really up to speed. In that time you will find yourself plagued by blinding headaches, a powerful urge to sleep in the middle of the afternoon, and an ashy taste in your mouth that doesn't seem to ever go away. This is also normal. In another week you won't know how you lived without it for so long.

Things to Know

--The Surgeon General would like you to know that smoking is really very bad for you. Fucking Nazi.

 

 

*This message brought to you by the Philip Morris Company

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© 2005, Gene Doucette