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The Other Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
1: Don't swim in the ocean Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty. (Exception: the Dead Sea.)
2: Listen for the music In the event that you are foolish enough to recreate in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film "Jaws." All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the doppler effect.
3: Swim with fat people Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.
4: Don't panic In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.
Kinds of Shark Attacks
--The "hello" bite Sharks are not equipped with the appropriate vocal devices to hold a proper conversation. Often, they are just curious about the weather. Always watch the latest weather report prior to entering the ocean, and be ready to shout this information to the shark. They may still bite you, but it would only be a "thanks" bite, which is not nearly as dangerous.
--The bump and run Often, the shark just needs a dance partner. They are very proud, such that even though all sharks are uniformly poor dancers, each one thinks he or she is quite good at it and will refuse to dance with other sharks. The shark probably thinks you are a seal (seals are very good dancers.) So if the shark bumps up into you a couple of times, do your best seal impression. If he is sober, he will swim away in a few minutes. If drunk, the shark will dance for quite some time, and then attempt to mate with you.
--The cinematic bite Easily the most dangerous type of shark attack, this only takes place in the presence of movie cameras. The shark will either pull you dramatically under the water, letting you go long enough to scream and then pulling you under again, or, he will come up out of the water and eat you whole. On film, it's remarkably dramatic. Unfortunately, it is also somewhat lethal.
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© 2000, Gene Doucette