SCENE: Psychiatrist's office. The
DOCTOR is in a chair, not facing the audience. JOHN is beside
and behind him, on the couch, facing the audience.
JOHN
...so, sure, my mom was pretty fucked up, but, you know, I don't
know how much that really hadda do with me bein'... I mean, childhood's
pretty fucked up anyhow, and, you know, mine wasn't so different
from kids who come out t'be doctors or lawyers or shrinks, so...
Bet you had a fucked up time as a kid, huh? S'okay, I know, I'm
the patient, you're the doctor, so I'll just keep on talking and
you just keep on takin' them notes. I know how this goes, y'know,
you ain't the first shrink I ever saw, but... Guess you knew that
already, didn't ya? (Takes a deep breath) So here's the
deal. There's this girl. Bet you knew that, too? S'always a girl
involved, I bet, I bet every guy who sits her in this couch wants
ta talk all fuckin' day about how his girl done this, or that,
or his wife don't wanna put out, or somethin', huh? Yeah, okay,
so she wasn't my girl or nothin', just my neighbor. But, you know,
first time I saw her, I mean, wow. Just wow. What a sight she
was. I'd show you a picture if I had one, you'd be hard as a rock
in no time, friend... Platinum blonde, long, long, legs, blue
eyes, a perfectly round ass, and these huge... (cups hands
in front of chest) fingernails. Just huge. She wasn't like
anything I ever seen in my life, like she... glowed... And, you
know, it was weird, I didn't even have no dirty thoughts about
her, either, cuz she just seemed too good for it. Like just the
idea of tossing off for her would break her or something. (Pause)
Took me a long time to work up the nerve to talk to her, which,
you know, ain't like me at all, I mean, when it comes to women,
a few words, I'm there, you know what I'm sayin'? But this was
tough. Damn tough. So finally, I see her, right? In the hallway,
lookin' fine, dolled up an' on her way to some club or somethin',
cuz it was Saturday, and I think she was into that night club
shit where some... I don't know why she'd even wanna go into those
places, you know? Meet some guy who wants to pump you fulla drinks,
take you home an' pop your legs in the air, an' treat you like
a whore, and... So I said hi, right? Leaned up against the wall,
tryin' to look all casual even though my heart was going so fast
I could feel it in my toes. Asked her what she was up to, you
know, maybe we could go out or somethin' and she say... she says...
"fuck off." (Pause) So I'm stunned, right? I
could NOT BELIEVE that word even come out of her mouth, first
off. And it was so rude. So goddamn rude, I mean, here I am, I'm
just askin', right? That's all. A "no thank you", that
would'a done the trick, you know? But she's gotta tell me to fuck
off! (Pause) So I hit her. Not real hard, you know, just
a quick smack, nothin' to make a big deal about, no teeth lost
or nothin', and then she starts screamin' an' all, and what am
I supposed to do, I ask you? So I hit her again, just get her
to stop makin' that noise, and she's still goin', so I drag her
into my apartment, and this noise she's makin' is just god-awful
I can barely stand it and she won't even listen to me when I tell
her to shut up, and then she's yellin' about me goin' to jail,
and I'm thinkin' last thing I want is to go back THERE again,
especially for some painted piece of ass like her, an' I tell
her that and she still WILL NOT SHUT UP! (Pause) So I capped
her. No biggie, right, I done it before often enough. Ruined a
good pillow, but at least she stopped screamin'. (Pause) But
now I'm feelin' kinda bad, you know? (Pulls out gun) I
killed other guys before, but only when I really wanted to. This,
this was an accident. (Pause) So I know what you're gonna
say, doc. You can use all the big words you wanna, and believe
me, I heard 'em all before, but it just comes down to one thing.
I'm totally fuckin' nuts. (Stands, puts away gun) But hey,
thanks for listenin'. I appreciate it. (Walks past DOCTOR,
pats him on the shoulder. DOCTOR slumps over. We see the gunshot
wound for the first time.) CURTAIN