The GenePool Interviews
He's walked on water. He's brought the dead back to life. He's risen from the dead himself. He is the one and only Jesus Christ, one of the most exciting yet enigmatic figures of the last two millennia. Always busy, Mr. Christ was able to clear up some time to chat exclusively with GenePool. (Photo: Jesus exfoliating.)
GenePool: First off, I want to thank you for finding the time to speak with us.
Jesus Christ: Not a problem. I love giving interviews.
GP: You know, you're a tough guy to find.
JC: I hear that a lot. Everyone seems to be looking for me all the time. I don't know what the big deal is.
GP: Probably that whole 'son of God' thing.
JC: I suppose.
GP: Is it overwhelming? The attention?
JC: It can be. People are constantly using my name in vain, and it's very distracting. I keep thinking they're calling me. Does this happen to Julian Lennon? I don't think so.
GP: But still, you get out, right? Make appearances?
JC: When I can. I spend a lot of time with professional athletes, for example.
GP: Really? I would think you'd be more concerned with the sick.
JC: Not so much any more. I was back when I got started because, well, you know, you have to start somewhere. But now I'm more interested in influencing important sporting events.
GP: We just got through Easter. I imagine that's a very painful time of year for you.
JC: Oy, you don't know the half of it. It's bad enough that I was crucified in the first place, but then I have to be reminded of it every single day, with these people and their crosses and reciting the passion all the time. Talk about macabre. I mean, hello, it hurt like hell, okay?
GP: Your life story has been called the greatest story ever told. How do you live up to that?
JC: Well to begin with, let's talk about Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
GP: You have a problem with them?
JC: Butchers.
GP: How do you mean?
JC: Ohh, they were hacks. Just terrible. But the production was a mess from the start. Peter commissioned the whole thing, right? But he couldn't decide which way to go with it, and before long he'd hired four different guys to write it up. So they all do their own thing, and he STILL can't decide which way he wants to go, and now he's blown half the budget. In the end Paul stepped in and said look, why not just print all four of them? What a disaster.
GP: But they didn't get it all that wrong, did they? They didn't misquote you?
JC: The quotes are okay, but it's the details. They skip so much. For instance, did you know I had a dog?
GP: No kidding.
JC: Yep. Shibboleth. He was a black lab. He could do tricks, too. I taught him to walk on water, for instance. I think Peter left him out on purpose. He hated that dog.
GP: Why was that?
JC: He got bit a couple times. No big deal, and I healed him right up, but he still didn't appreciate it. But Peter was a bit dainty, if you understand what I mean.
GP: He was...
JC: A little light in the sandals.
GP: Ah.
JC: He didn't like Judas much either. Guess that comes out real well in the gospels.
GP: Did Judas bite him too?
JC: Hah! No, no. Judas used to make fun of him. Nothing serious, just guys being guys.
GP: But it was Judas who betrayed you in the end, after all.
JC: No, he didn't. That whole part of the story's embellished. Do you know why I was arrested? Back taxes.
GP: What about rendering unto Caesar what's Caesar's?
JC: Well I would have, but I didn't have anything to render. I was working for free. Problem was, the Romans thought I'd been earning an income under the table. I wasn't, but that's what they thought. If I'd had a half-decent lawyer I might have gotten off, but no. I hand pick twelve apostles, all Jews, and not a single effective litigator in the lot. Go figure.
GP: Do you think if more people understood how inaccurate the gospels are, they'd be upset?
JC: No, they aren't really that far off. Like I said, they got all the quotes pretty much right. Except for "my God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" I didn't say that.
GP: What did you say?
JC: I said "this hurts, goddamnit!" Basically the same thing, just dressed up a little.
GP: We just entered a new millennium. Quite a few people were expecting the world to end, and your name came up a lot. Care to comment?
JC: Yes. Somebody screwed up the math.
GP: Um, can you elaborate on that?
JC: The world didn't end. Maybe you noticed?
GP: I... don't mean to sound rude, but you're being a little evasive here.
JC: I'm not being evasive. I don't know anything about the end of the world. Really.
GP: You're a terrible liar.
JC: You try lying when you're divine.
GP: So you know when the world is going to end?
JC: I should have stuck to speaking in parables. Then at least people weren't really sure what the heck I was talking about.
GP: Jesus...
JC: Or metaphors. You know, I never really was sure what the difference was between a parable and a metaphor.
GP: You're stalling.
JC: Hmm?
GP: Can you tell me when the world is going to end?
JC: No, I can't tell you.
GP: But you know.
JC: Sure I do. I'm the son of God for goodness sake. I just can't tell you. Do you have any idea how pissed my Father would be?
GP: Fair enough. Then do you have any last words of wisdom you'd care to impart?
JC: I'm a bit out of practice. But I am working on new material.
GP: Really! When can we hear it?
JC: I'm working out a deal with HBO right now. If everything breaks right we should have something banged together in a year or so.
GP: Well, until then, thanks for your time.
JC: No problem. And hey, bless you.
© 2001, Gene Doucette
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