Scene: One table holding
a box. Downstage, an unlit APPLAUSE sign. The sign lights up,
and our host, RANDY, enters, to what should be thunderous applause.
Add an applause track if necessary. RANDY is extremely peppy,
extremely happy, and extremely smiling. He is Mr. Rogers on speed.
He is so energetic he bounces from one end of the stage to the
other continuously.
RANDY
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oohhhhhh, GOSH, thank you SO
much for coming to our show. You guys are great! You are! You're
great! Give yourselves a hand! (APPLAUSE) Yeah! Yeah! All
right! Tha-at's great. Let me tell you what we're here to talk
about today, because you know something? I think... you're gonna
like it. This is something SO amazing, SO incredible, it could
CHANGE YOUR LIFE! Isn't that EXCITING??? (APPLAUSE) Yeah!
Of course it is!
(Pause. RANDY raises
his hand to quiet the crowd. He suddenly looks solemn, but in
a bouncy kind of way. A piano tinkles in the background.)
Let's talk about something...
a little serious. A little scary. Let's talk about cancer. Does
cancer scare you? Scares me. Sure it does. Scares everybody. We
all know someone... maybe a relative, maybe a friend, maybe a
colleague... (There is a distinct possibility that RANDY is
going to shed a tear) SOMEone, who we know, who has cancer.
And you know something? Victims of lung cancer, brain cancer,
breast cancer, colon cancer, prostate cancer, ALL of them, they
all have something in common.
Do you know what that is?
You look at scientific studies
of different age groups and different social groups and different
nations and different CANCERS, and they ALL have something in
common. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Do you know what that is? Do
you?
(RANDY emphatically takes
a single breath.)
That's it right there. That's
right, you have it. Breathing. BREATHING. CAUSES. CANCER. You
don't believe me? Just look at the numbers! How many cancer patients
are out there that don't breathe? How many do YOU think? Anyone
want to take a guess?
(Depending on how into
it the audience is, RANDY can either get a guess from the audience
or not.)
That's right, NOT ONE. Every
single victim of cancer ALSO breathes on a DAILY BASIS.
Now I know what you're thinking.
I do. You're thinking, "hey, Randy, I breathe too! What can
I do to SAVE myself from this terrible ailment?" What CAN
you do? You can't stop breathing. Can you? of COURSE you can't.
I can't either! I've been breathing all my life! I can't stop,
and what's more, I DON'T WANT TO! Well let me tell you a secret.
(Stage whisper) You don't have to stop breathing! (Normal
voice) Because what I've got in this box behind me is JUST
what you NEED! Are you READY to see what's in the box? (Plays
the crowd) Are YOU ready? Are YOU? Are YOU?
WELL ALL RIGHT THEN! Let's
go see what's in the box! (APPLAUSE)
(RANDY bounds to the
table. With a dramatic, sweeping gesture, he reaches into the
box, pauses, and pulls his hand out again without removing anything.)
What I have in here, ladies
and gentlemen, is the latest in space age technology. It is GUARANTEED
to allow you to breathe safely and comfortably without ANY fear
at all.
And we all want to breathe
without fear, don't we? Don't we? Yes! Of course we do! Which
is why our scientists have come up with THIS!
Ladies and gentlemen, here
it is, the Rube Five Thousand Osteo-Filter!
(HE reaches in and quickly
pulls out what appears to be an ordinary surgical mask. He holds
it up reverently, as though perhaps he has uncovered the holy
grail. He sprints downstage and holds it up to various portions
of the audience for all to see. APPLAUSE.)
It looks simple, doesn't
it? Doesn't it? Well let me tell you something! It IS simple!
I ask you, if breathing causes cancer, how can you PROTECT yourself
from it? Can you stop breathing? Can you? NO! Of COURSE you can't!
And now you don't HAVE to! Because it's not the breathing ITSELF
that causes cancer, now is it? It's WHAT you breathe!
Let me tell you what the
Rube Five Thousand Osteo-Filter can do for you!
(RANDY puts on the mask.
APPLAUSE.)
See how easy that is? That's
real easy, if you ask me!
(Removes mask.)
Now you're probably thinking,
"but Randy, how does it work?" How DOES it work? How
does something that looks so gosh-darn flimsy save YOU from cancer?
Well, I'll tell you, it may not look it, but what I'm holding
in my hand right now is the most scientifically advanced product
you will EVER see. The filter is made of sub-molecular, ionomorphic
micro-static particles that are designed for ONE purpose: to keep
the cancer in the very AIR you breathe from reaching your lungs.
And it's not just one layer. It's not even two layers. It's THREE
layers! How about THAT for protection!
(APPLAUSE)
Now HOW MUCH... do you think
something like this would cost? For the latest in scientific technology,
how MUCH do you think it might cost? Each mask is INDIVIDUALLY
HAND-WOVEN by Pee Aitch Dees! HOW MUCH? It also has a three year
money back guarantee. If you GET cancer, and you can prove you
wore the Rube five-Thousand for the entire time, you will get
your money back! HOW MUCH? And, you get to choose from FIVE DIFFERENT
COLORS! HOW MUCH?
A hundred dollars? Two hundred
dollars? A thousand dollars?
What if I told you that
you can HAVE this fine product for only Thirty-nine-ninety-five?
That's right, thirty-nine-ninety-five!
(APPLAUSE)
Our operators are standing
by right now to take your orders, or you can write to our office
at the scientific capitol of the world in Battle Creek, Michigan!
AND...
If you respond RIGHT NOW,
we'll even throw in the Schmo Five Thousand Oxy-Block BODY SUIT
for FREE!
(RANDY pulls out what
looks an awful lot like several trash bags stapled together in
the rough form of a human being.)
Why do you NEED the Schmo
Five Thousand Oxy-Block Body Suit? Because OXYGEN is a CORROSIVE!
Don't believe me? Ever see RUST? What do you suppose it's doing
to YOUR BODY right now? If you want to live a long life you need
to protect yourself and you need to start TODAY!
So get those credit cards
ready! We're waiting for your orders!