Before proceeding, it is important that we grasp exactly what an "election" is.
There are many different ways to determine who the leader of a country (or state, town, city, coven, group, council, etc.) will be.
--Representative model This is by far the most common method. The persons who are in need of governing decide, in a somewhat orderly fashion, who they would like to make decisions for them. Their vote is informed by "campaign advertisements," which are designed to reveal who it is bad to vote for. The goal is to choose the lesser of two evils. Note: in many cases, the persons elected into office subsequently vote for their own leader as well, and so on, and so on. This is what is known as "bureaucracy." It is the representative model that will be the focus of this article.
--Dictatorship model Far less common today, this method relies on the decision-making abilities of large military forces. These forces "vote" by agreeing who to follow, and then they kill anyone who doesn't agree with them. Dictatorships can be very unstable; leaders are chosen by coup, and coups are usually unscheduled. Thus, leaders may have a very high turnover (such as in most Czech republics) or have an uncommonly long term of service (Cuba.)
--Appointment model In this version, leaders are voted upon by a committee of sub-leaders, in a fashion similar to the "bureaucracy" approach. However, the voters that comprise the committee are not themselves elected into office, but appointed by prior leaders. This arrangement is often confused with the communist method in places such as China and the old Soviet Union. It is also employed with great success in the Vatican City.
--Communist model True communism has no leaders. Every decision is made by every person within the system. This is why the only true communists are wandering around looking for someone to tell them what to do, and why there are no large-scale, functioning communist societies today.
--Heirarchal model There is no electoral process involved. The leader is born into his or her position and is referred to as "king" or "queen." On rare occasions, the leader is chosen by a magic sword stuck in a large rock. There are very few heirarchies left, but there are many virtual heirarchies, such as the Kennedys.
--Darwinian model The leader in this sort of society is whoever is the biggest and strongest. He is referred to as the "Alpha male." While many of the elements of the Darwinian method can be found in both the dictatorship and representative models, pure forms are very rare, existing mainly in primitive cultures, non-human primate groups, professional sports, and Arnold Schwarzenegger films.
As we can see, actual elections-- where the
entire governed body chooses a leader-- exist in only one model.
1: Counting the vote At the conclusion of the electoral process, all of the votes that have been cast are actually counted by somebody. If it turns out you have fewer votes than even one of your opponents, you have probably not won the election. "Counting" is a mathematical process also referred to formally as "addition." Numbers are "added" together until there are no more numbers left. Mathematicians agree that the process of "addition" is unaffected by when the math is done or who is doing it. Thus, if you find yourself arguing that two plus two does not equal four if it is added together next week by a person with a particular political affiliation, you are just grasping at straws.
2: What is a vote? A vote is a decision made by a single voter in favor of a single candidate. In most cases, each person gets only one vote, although there are exceptions. If, in the process of gaining political office, you find it necessary to redefine the definition of a "vote," this is a very strong indication that you may have lost.
3: You find yourself in court If you need a judge to decide if you won, you probably lost, no matter how many thousands of lawyers you've brought with you. And taking it to the Supreme court doesn't look real good either.
4: You hire Alan Dershowitz His resume includes Klaus Von Bulow, O.J. Simpson, and Mike Tyson. Hiring him simply does not make you look good. You have probably lost.
5: You are a third party candidate The vast majority of the country in which you live consists of moderate individuals with moderate views. If you are a candidate who appeals only to fringe individuals possessed of extreme views, then by definition, you are courting the minority. As we have seen in rule number two, each one of your supporters only has one vote, and as we have seen in rule number one, the rules of "addition" aren't changing any time soon. If, on the other hand, you are a third party candidate with moderate views that might appeal to moderate individuals, you will still be viewed as the guy neither major party wanted. We recommend moving to a country where the dictatorship model is still in effect.
6: Changing the law of the land If, in order to gain the office you desire, you must first subvert the entire electoral process by breaking the law, you have probably already lost. This includes asking your brother to change the law for you. As before, you may want to consider moving to a country that honors the dictatorship method.
7: You refuse to concede Being the last person in the country to agree on who won the election looks exceptionally bad if you are one of the ones that did not win. Covering your ears and going "LA-LA-LA-LA-I-CAN'T-HEAR-YOU" whenever someone points out that you lost also does not look good.
As you can see, what sounds like a fairly
simple process can occasionally get very complicated. As an example,
according to the above guide none of the 2000 Presidential candidates
in the United States actually won the election.
What
to do
--You can continue to run every four years for the same office, looking more and more pitiful every year. This approach is favored by most third-party candidates and also Hubert Humphrey.
--You can win the office at some point in the future, only to bring great shame to yourself, your party, your job, and your country because you have become bitter, acrimonious, and paranoid. This is also known as the Nixon method.
--You can retire from public service and become an elder statesman, reappearing only occasionally to build a house, negotiate a peace settlement, or discuss an embarrassing medical problem.
--You can try and get your oldest son elected instead.
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