TRANSITION: In the darkness, footsteps are heard in the
distance, coming down wooden steps. When the lights come up, the
body is no longer in the center of the room. The door swings open,
admitting the live DOE. While WHITE and CHAPEL stand in mute amazement,
he closes the door behind him.
DOE
Sorry to have kept you gentlemen waiting. What can I do for you?
(Pause. They continue to stare, looking alternately at the spot
where DOE had fallen and at DOE himself.)
DOE
Gentlemen?
WHITE
We, ah, that is...
CHAPEL
There's been a, um...
WHITE
That is, we thought there was a murder.
(CHAPEL walks slowly around DOE, looking for a bullet wound)
DOE
Goodness! A murder?
WHITE
Yes, we're homicide detectives, you see. I'm detective
White, and this is detective Chapel.
CHAPEL
(Gesturing to floor)
It was right here!
WHITE
SHHH!
DOE
Was it... anybody I know? A colleague?
WHITE
You could say that, yes. That is, if there had been a
murder, which, of course there isn't, so...
DOE
Heavens.
WHITE
...there's obviously been a misunderstanding of some sort. We'll
just be on our way.
(WHITE backpedals towards the door)
CHAPEL
It's not possible!
WHITE
Shut up.
(WHITE tries the door. It is locked.)
DOE
Now hang on, this is all very strange...
WHITE
Where is the key to this door?
DOE
I have it, but...
WHITE
Then unlock it! Quickly, you son of a... (Composes himself) I'm
sorry, but it's terribly important that you open this door. Official
police business. You understand.
DOE
No, I'm afraid I really don't...
CHAPEL
WHAT'S GOING ON?
(Pause)
DOE
Let me get that door.
WHITE
Thank you.
(DOE reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of dice. He
stares at them momentarily with a 'what are these doing here?'
expression, and then tosses them aside on the floor. This act
causes CHAPEL to leap backwards as if the dice were grenades.
DOE continues to dig in his pocket, but comes up empty. He searches
his other pockets for an excruciatingly long time.)
DOE
Ahh...
WHITE
What?
DOE
I know where they are.
WHITE
Oh good.
DOE
I left them in the door!
WHITE
YOU WHAT?
DOE
I do apologize. This is very embarrassing. I'm afraid I can be
a bit of an absent-minded professor type at times.
WHITE
Oh, God.
(WHITE sags against the wall and to the floor. CHAPEL
remains fixated on the dice)
DOE
You know the last time I did this I was stuck for nearly an hour!
Oh, I hope this isn't too inconvenient for you.
(Pause)
DOE
So while I have you... perhaps you could tell me what this is
all about?
(Pause)
DOE
I... don't believe I've introduced myself properly. I'm
Doctor John Doe.
(Pause)
DOE
With a name like that I'm surprised you aren't investigating my
murder!
(He laughs. They don't.)
DOE
Ah. Well. Are you two... okay?
CHAPEL
(Slowly, as though speaking to a rabid dog)
Do you have the time?
DOE
Why yes! It's three-fifteen.
(CHAPEL re-examines his watch, then gets up and walks over to
WHITE, who still has not moved.)
DOE
Oh, I know. Impressive, isn't it? Never had much of a need for
a timepiece, to tell you the truth. I've got an internal clock
up here (points to temple) that works just as well.
CHAPEL
(To WHITE)
You see?
(WHITE examines the watch and then buries his face in his hands.)
DOE
It's not fooled by the equinox, either, amazingly enough. (Pause)
Oh, here's a funny story! One time, my graduate class in theoretical
physics tried to toy with me by setting all their watches ahead
and arriving ten minutes early to try and make it look as if I
was late! Of course, I wasn't fooled for a moment, no sir...
CHAPEL
(To DOE)
My watch is ticking.
DOE
Ehhh, yes. Good. It's a Timex, is it? Very dependable
brand...
CHAPEL
It wasn't ticking before!
DOE
Listen, I said I was sorry about the keys...
CHAPEL
It was running backwards!
(Pause)
DOE
All right now I've had enough. I don't know what's the
matter with the two of you, but frankly I think you're both a
little bit disturbed.
CHAPEL
You're supposed to be dead!
(Pause)
DOE
What?
CHAPEL
(Focusing on floor)
There's no blood! (To WHITE) No blood!
WHITE
No evidence.
DOE
(Shouting at ceiling)
HELLO?
WHITE
Wait.
DOE
HELLO? I'M DOWN HERE!
WHITE
(Gets up)
Chapel. There's no evidence!
DOE
THIS IS DOCTOR JOHN DOE! I'M TRAPPED DOWN HERE WITH TWO
LUNATICS! THE KEYS ARE IN THE DOOR.
CHAPEL
You saw him, he was right here. There was blood and
everything.
WHITE
There's nothing there now, right? It never happened! None of it
happened.
DOE
CALL THE POLICE!
WHITE
You can't have a murder without a body!
DOE
I don't think there's anybody up there.
CHAPEL
You saw him, didn't you?
WHITE
Forget it. Our secret.
DOE
HELLO?
WHITE
Doctor?
DOE
Don't touch me!
WHITE
Please, let me explain. We really are homicide detectives, and...
(WHITE opens his jacket)
DOE
Oh my God, you have a gun. HELLO?
WHITE
No, no, no. Calm down. I just want to show you my badge. (Shows
him) See? This is all very simple really, you see, we received
a report about a body, and...
CHAPEL
Yes, that's it. We were told it was a John Doe, and...
WHITE
...But of course there was no body at all. Absolutely no body.
CHAPEL
No, no bodies here.
WHITE
So this is all a mistake. A prank of some sort.
CHAPEL
You understand, I'm sure.
(Pause)
DOE
No, I really don't.
WHITE
Okay, fine, the truth is, before you walked in here you were lying
dead on the floor and his watch was running backwards.
(Pause)
DOE
HELLO!
CHAPEL
There he goes again.
DOE
ANYBODY?
WHITE
Maybe we should let him continue. At least we'd be out of this
room.
DOE
HELLO?
CHAPEL
We should be so lucky.
DOE
All right, I'm going to stay over here, okay? Right over here.
You two just stay right where you are. Don't come near me, or
I swear... just... don't come near me.
WHITE
That's fine with me.
CHAPEL
No problem here.
(They all sit, at opposite ends of the room. Pause)
WHITE
What are you a doctor of?
DOE
What?
WHITE
What are you a doctor of?
DOE
I... have a doctorate in physics. I teach here at the
university.
WHITE
University!
DOE
Ah, yes.
WHITE
We're at the university!
CHAPEL
What sort of physics?
DOE
All sorts. But I specialize in quantum physics.
CHAPEL
Ah.
(Pause)
CHAPEL
So... what's the difference?
DOE
Pardon?
CHAPEL
Between physics and quantum physics.
(DOE gets to his feet)
DOE
Well, simply put, quantum physics deals with physics on a very
small scale. Such as a quanta, for example.
CHAPEL
Ah.
(Pause)
DOE
A quanta is the equivalent of one particle of light. It's the
point at which energy can no longer be divided.
CHAPEL
Ah.
(Pause)
DOE
So. Really now. Why are you gentlemen here?
CHAPEL
We told you. You didn't believe us.
WHITE
Not that we blame you. I'm having some trouble with it
myself.
DOE
If you're going to go on about my being dead, I'm going to have
to start screaming again.
(Pause)
WHITE
Do you have your wallet?
DOE
What?
WHITE
(Getting up)
Your wallet, do you have it on you? Should be in your right jacket
pocket.
DOE
Yes, yes, it's right here.
(He pulls it out and displays it. WHITE pulls out an
identical wallet from his pocket and hands it to DOE. DOE looks
inside the duplicate wallet.)
DOE
My license.
(He opens his own wallet and verifies that he still has his own
license.)
DOE
A remarkable duplicate. I take it you're suggesting this came
from my corpse?
WHITE
Well...
CHAPEL
We meant to put it back, but...
WHITE
We didn't steal it or anything.
DOE
Duplicate credit cards as well... This really is impressive. Here
you go.
(He hands the wallet back to WHITE)
WHITE
No, keep it. It's yours.
DOE
I have mine. Besides, I'm sure you paid quite a bit of money to
have all that done up. You may as well hang on to it.
WHITE
We didn't pay anything for it! Do you think this is some sort
of prank?
DOE
Yes, and poorly executed I'd say. Aside from the wallet that is.
Honestly, you two aren't the least bit convincing. The least you
could have done was have a corpse for me to stare at.
WHITE
We had one.
CHAPEL
It vanished.
DOE
Of course it did. After all, I can't be alive and dead at the
same...
(DOE starts to laugh riotously)
WHITE
(To CHAPEL)
What's so funny?
CHAPEL
I don't know.
DOE
I get it! Oh, that's very good! (To ceiling) WHITMAN? YOU CAN
LET US OUT NOW. He did pull a good one this time, although I have
to say a body would have really put a cap on the whole thing.
WHITMAN?
CHAPEL
Um, we don't know what you're....
DOE
Oh, you can stop that now. I get it! (Laughs) I can't
believe he even went through all this trouble. Hiring
actors, even!
WHITE
You think we're actors?
DOE
Well... Only in the broadest sense of the word. WHITMAN? He must
be around here somewhere. It was professor Whitman who put you
up to this, wasn't it? Tallish gentleman, large nose, bad toupee?
I'm sure he was behind this one way or another, especially after
that argument we had over the cat.
CHAPEL
Cat?
WHITE
You had an argument about a cat?
CHAPEL
Whose cat was it? Whitman's?
DOE
No, no, it was Schroedinger's cat.
WHITE
You were arguing about someone else's cat? What did the cat do?
DOE
WHITMAN? Oh, come now, where is he? I'm sure he'd want to be around
for the coup de grace.
WHITE
I'd think if you were going to argue with anyone about the cat
it would be Schroedinger.
CHAPEL
He'd be the one responsible for him, after all.
DOE
Don't be silly. Erwin Schroedinger's been dead for years.
WHITE
Ah, so Whitman's been tending to Schroedinger's cat for him.
CHAPEL
That makes sense.
DOE
No, no, it's not a real cat. It's a theoretical one.
Schroedinger never owned a real cat.
WHITE
A theoretical cat?
CHAPEL
I didn't know there was such a thing.
WHITE
I imagine they'd be easier to train, though.
DOE
(Exasperated)
Let me explain. In brief. Take a radioactive isotope with a half-life
of, say ten minutes, and a geiger counter attached to a vial of
cyanide. Stick them into a box with a cat. Now, if the isotope
decays and releases a particle it is detected by the counter,
which is rigged to break the cyanide capsule in such an event.
If the cyanide is released, the cat dies. Now, seal the box and
wait ten minutes. Are you with me so far? (They nod) Good. As
you know... or perhaps you don't... there is exactly a fifty percent
chance that in ten minutes the isotope will decay and release
a particle, which will release the cyanide, killing the cat.
CHAPEL
That seems awfully cruel, doesn't it?
WHITE
I had no idea physics was so violent.
DOE
You're missing the point. What do you suppose you will find inside
the box after ten minutes? A live cat or a dead cat?
(WHITE and CHAPEL confer)
WHITE
What do you think?
CHAPEL
It's a trick question. It must be.
WHITE
(To DOE)
How are we supposed to know for sure without opening the box?
DOE
Exactly!
CHAPEL
I was going to say that, you know.
DOE
You can't know until you open the box.
CHAPEL
That seems like an awfully stupid experiment, if you don't mind
my saying.
DOE
No, no. Pay attention. Is the cat dead or alive before the box
is opened?
WHITE
Didn't we just cover that? You don't know until you open the box.
DOE
Yes, and until that point the cat is neither dead nor alive. Or,
if you prefer, the cat is both dead and alive. Until observed,
the cat exists in a superimposed state of neitherness.
CHAPEL
I don't think that's a word.
WHITE
That's silly. Of course it does. Just because we don't know which
one it is doesn't mean it's not one or the other.
DOE
That's what he said!
WHITE
Who?
DOE
Whitman. He's as dense as you two. Perhaps that's why he hired
you. The idea is, the cat is neither alive nor dead until observed
as one or the other. Reality is defined by observation!
(Pause)
WHITE
That seems just a bit egotistical, don't you think?
DOE
Ego has nothing to do with it. This comes from direct
experimental proof.
CHAPEL
Oh, that makes sense. "Aha! The cat is dead! Aha! The cat
is alive!"
DOE
You don't understand. This is one of the most fundamental aspects
of the universe.