The GenePool Interviews
Months after his official retirement from public service, former President William Jefferson Clinton is still not far from our thoughts or our cameras. His ability to dominate the headlines is just as compelling now as it was eight years ago. GenePool caught up with President Clinton in an exclusive, no-holds-barred interview. (Photo: Clinton relaxing at home with private collection of microphones)
GenePool: President Clinton....
Clinton: Please, call me Bill.
GP: Bill. It seems like you're still in the news every day, yet you're officially retired from public life. What is it about you that attracts so much attention?
BC: I get that a lot. Charisma, for one. I'm a very charismatic man. Women find that sexy, and men find it compelling. I can't explain it.
GP: That must have made your tenure as President a lot easier.
BC: Oh, absolutely. I could usually get my way just by asking real nice. I got Newt Gingrich to bark like a dog once. That was special.
GP: It's really that easy?
BC: Sure is. Drop your pants.
GP: Okay.
BC: Y'see?
GP: Let's talk a little about your last days in the White House.
BC: I see you're a briefs kind of guy. I like that.
GP: Thank you. There were rumors of vandalism in the West Wing. Can you comment on that?
BC: Whooo, yeah, we had a time. Set up five keg in the oval office on Wednesday morning, and we needed another five by Wednesday night. Hell, I don't remember half of what we did. Even Al got into it. You get a few beers into him, and man, he loosens right up. He was dancin' around... you know, he's a boxers guy. Bet you figured him for briefs.
GP: I never really thought about it.
BC: Oh, yeah. You know, if he'd hit the bottle a bit more often he'd 'a won that damn election. Dubya understands that. That's why he's stoned all the time.
GP: Are you saying President Bush is using drugs?
BC: Tell you what, next time he's delivering a speech, you take a good look at his eyes.
GP: Another one of the issues that's making headlines right now are the Presidential pardons you handed down on the last day. They've caused quite a stir. For example, one pardon was given to a known fugitive who has not even served time in prison. What were you thinking?
BC: I pardoned people?
GP: Yes, a bunch of people.
BC: That must have been Friday. I signed a lot of things on Friday. I remember signing someone's butt at some point.... can't imagine that was the pardon you're talking about.
GP: No sir.
BC: I remember... wait, are we at war with France right now?
GP: No...
BC: Oh, good, the fax must not have gone through. You see, the problem with that, there are all these international codes you have to enter, and...
GP: Bill...
BC: Yes?
GP: The pardons.
BC: Right. I'll be completely honest with you. I do not recall signing those pardons. Perhaps.... I didn't even sign them.
GP: That's ludicrous. And yet, I sincerely believe you. How do you do that?
BC: Charisma, I'm tellin' you.
GP: Let's move on. Now that you're a private citizen, you must have had time to sit back and reflect on your eight years as President. Do you have any regrets?
BC: That's a good question. Let me think... No, no I think everything went pretty well overall.
GP: The scandals? The impeachment?
BC: I was impeached? I'm kidding. Of course I know I was impeached. That was a sad sad day in American politics. When our government chooses to declaim its own leader... well, that's just a terrible thing. That such a man could be put into a position of high power, and to act the way he did...
GP: Bill, they impeached YOU.
BC: I know! Ain't that the damndest thing?
GP: And the Lewinsky scandal?
BC: I did not have sex with...
GP: Please don't do that again.
BC: Okay, sorry. Cold in here, isn't it?
GP: Yes, it is. Can I pull my pants back up now?
BC: No, keep 'em down. We can surprise Hillary later.
GP: So do you regret the Lewinsky scandal?
BC: Of course! Wouldn't you? It's embarrassing. I tell you, next time someone tells me they can keep a secret... But I mean, c'mon, not like I bombed Cambodia, y'know? I don't need congressional approval to get waxed and buffed. Besides, I thought that was what interns were FOR.
GP: You seemed to clearly enjoy being President. What will you miss the most?
BC: You know what I used to do for fun?
GP: Everyone in the world knows what you used to do for fun.
BC: No, besides that. I'd get a phone book, right? A local one, for, say, Iowa or something. I could do that. I'd just shout "I need a local phone book for Iowa!" and everybody'd just assume it was for something important, because hey, I'm the President. And I'd have one within the hour. So then I'd pick out a name at random, call 'em up, and say somethin' like "This is President Clinton and I know you've been cheating on your taxes," or whatever. Course they recognized my voice. Damn that was fun. Also, having my own plane was really great. Oh! And I got to find out who shot JFK.
GP: Really? Who?
BC: It was a suicide.
GP: You're kidding.
BC: Swear to God. Course, you can't print that.
GP: Oh don't worry, we won't.
BC: Good. I'd be in a heap of trouble if that got out.
GP: I think we would be remiss if we didn't ask you for some final words of advice for our new President. Anything you'd like to tell him if you had the chance?
BC: Well, let's see... Don't open the third desk drawer on the left... always keep the liquor cabinet fully stocked... remember that the oval office doors can lock from the inside... just give up on the whole damn mideast... Oh, and the speed dial buttons. Four is Capitol Pizza, five is the Pentagon, and six is the Russian embassy. Don't get those confused. I remember one time I had Moscow trying to figure out how to go to Defcon two, a pizza boy wondering what kind of topping Kazakhstan was, and a four star general delivering two large with sausage and onions, all in the same night.
GP: What's in the third drawer on the left?
BC: The SALT 2 treaties. Someone threw up on 'em sometime Thursday. I think it was Al.
© 2001, Gene Doucette
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