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GenePool
Humor
Push My Button
I hadn't even planned to write a column this week. Instead, I've been answering the siren call of fiction. This happens every now and then, the result of which is usually a half-written novel taking up space in my hard drive. The half-written novels go nicely with all the half-written plays, creating a tremendous monument to incompletion. This monument is a testament to the prolific skill I have been blessed with, i.e., being able to write massive quantities with no plot whatsoever. I never seem to realize my total lack of plot until I've committed months of work, leaving me much like the coyote on discovering he's run out of road and is about to fall a country mile. This time I'm trying something mildly different, and revisiting one of the orphaned half-novels. We'll see.
But my dubious fiction skills are not what I'm writing about today. No, I'm writing about the wonderful news bit I found this morning in my edition of The Boston Globe. It's one of those things that just jump out at humorists, screaming "write about this!!!" The news bit referred to an earlier article from the February 10 issue of New Scientist:
"...Stuart Meloy of Piedmount Anesthesia and Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, N.C., noticed that while implanting electrodes in the spine to help treat chronic pain in women, he could trigger orgasms. Clinical trials of a device specifically designed to trigger orgasms are expected to start later this year. The technology is far from perfect, and somewhat akin to having a pacemaker implanted, but it's a start for people who aren't helped by other treatments. So far, it hasn't been tried on men, but there is no obvious reason it shouldn't work for them as well."
This is very exciting news to your average humorist. In fact, just reading it triggered spontaneous orgasms in a few writers I know, although certainly not me, as I read it at work, and you just don't want to have to explain that sort of thing.
I'm trying to imagine what it must have been like when Dr. Meloy of Winston-Salem, N.C. first made this discovery.
MELOY: How does that feel?
PATIENT: Okay.
MELOY: How about that?
PATIENT: Ooh, that feels good. Really really good.
MELOY: And that?
PATIENT: Go back!
MELOY: To what?
PATIENT: That second one, go back!
MELOY: But we...
PATIENT: NOW, DAMMIT!
I'm thinking Dr. Meloy is working for the wrong company. This is obviously a product that should be financed by the tobacco industry.
There's the obvious question posed by the comment that this device is "a start for people who aren't helped by other treatments," that question being "huh?" I realize that there are women out there who are not having orgasms on a regular basis, but I was unaware medical science had developed treatment plans for this problem. This might even be a booming research field, and if so, someone, somewhere, had to write a grant application for funding purposes.
Grant Proposal
Purpose: to study at length and in great detail the female orgasm.
Goal: curing the many thousands of women who are afflicted with the terrible disease we have termed Not Getting There (NGT.)
Procedure: we will assemble a test group of no fewer than one hundred women with NGT. This test sample will be random, consisting of pre-menapausal adult women between the ages of 21 and 40, and also our wives. In the first half of our study, several introductory techniques will be employed, including:
--expensive jewelry
--candles
--chocolate
--Australian surfers
--vibrational devices
--edible undergarments
The second half our study will involve detailed gradings of various positions, as recommended by the Kama Sutra and the editorial staff of Maxim magazine. Tongue and hand usage will also be studied extensively.
We will be filming much of our research for archival purposes, as well as employing a full- time photographer. These archives will be made available to all financial backers.
I'm trying to imagine what life would be like if this device became commercially available. Oh sure, it sounds like a fun idea, but I think we'd be looking at the decline of Western civilization, only because nobody would ever leave their homes again. We'd just sit in our living room pushing a button, unless we wanted to have sex with someone else, and then we'd switch buttons. Worse, the entire porn industry would go out of business overnight. And with a limited number of frequencies, it would only be a matter of time before someone sued a neighbor for having a garage door opener that caused them to orgasm while mowing the lawn.
I'm sure nobody has brought this up to the researchers, which is why I shall be moving to Winston-Salem, N.C. immediately to discuss this matter personally with Dr. Stuart Meloy. I consider this my solemn duty.
Also, they're going to need volunteers.
© 2001, Gene Doucette
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